Opinion: The tragedy of the Mazda pickup

Illustration Illustration

Illustration Illustration

By Steve Kline

Author’s note: The following column was written after receiving a speeding ticket on the way back from doing my Shakespeare class’s homework at the laundromat.

[Chorus]: Two cars, alike in a fair Champaign town./ Both alike on intersections and grace./ An authority figure in blue cloth./ A student out of quarters with carriage./ Making his way with uncivilized speed./ The Tragedy of The Mazda Pickup./

[Enter Police]: What motive lies behind thy hurried pace?/

[Enter Steve]: Sire! What seems to be the problem?/

[Police]: Thy vehicle exceeded speed limits!/ Thus I hath yok’d it to the curb, young sir./

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    [Steve]: Lo! The challenged accusation shames me!/

    Patient thyself! Canst thou be within err?/

    [Police]: Wouldst thee sheath thy brabble? I hath vid-eo!/

    [Steve]: Thee hath play’d your prize, officer, well done./ I am humbled by your technology!/

    [Police]: Wouldst thou provide me with proof of license?/

    [Steve]: I bestow these unto you with a sigh./ Know what caused the circumstance of my deeds!/

    [Police]: An excuse shalt be worthless to me now!/

    [Steve]: What doeth thee expect with joyous music?/ Tunes of Primus caused such my auto’s speed!/ O sacred harmonies! Villainous songs!/

    Thy hath led me to financial ruin!/

    [Police]: Save thy drama for thy mama, my foe!/

    [Steve]: O, untimely cessation of my words!/

    [Police]: Carry on and trumpet thy tale, young sir./ I spake too soon and shalt hear thy sad lie!/

    [Steve]: I rue the dreadful way thy sees my pleas!/ I now rue my exit from lawfullness!/

    [Police]: Strive to mend these actions to-morrow, sir!/ Fear me not, tho thy anger is present./ According to my duties I’ll cite thee!/

    [Steve]: Wouldst thou be merciful and let me go?/

    [Police]: Nay, a citation befits your actions./

    [Steve]: Unspeakable truths were fated by stars!/ My vain motion now makes my heart heavy!/

    [Police]: If thou ignores thy fees thy fame shalt smear./ Thy shalt be accited to a courtroom./

    [Steve]: Lo! I hath not the funds to pay such debt./

    [Police]: Appeal to thy bretheren for money./ Later, thy shalt control thy carriage speed./

    [Steve]: Vehicular controllment shalt be mine!/ Even if, by negligence of my speed,/ It causes my clothing to be wrinkled./

    [Police]: Curb your saucy tongue lest thy shalt get worse!/ Con-sider a simple ticket joyous!/ Such malicious bravery is ill-formed!/

    [Steve]: Thy words are timorous, forgive my speech!/

    [Police]: Take care in thy manner if stopped a-gain!/

    [Exit Police] [Enter Mother]

    [Mother]: Virtuous son! Flesh and blood money pit!/ Doth thou callst me at a day such as thus?/

    [Steve]: Mother! World renowned for thy charity!/ Graceful challenger of the world’s villains!/

    [Mother]: Such gratulence is well-warranted, son./ Such praise hath not been uttered by leisure./ Thy cheer is cord-ial tho suspicious!/ I shalt ask to what brings such words of praise!/

    [Steve]: O, attempts to smooth thy countenance fail./ Attend to my plea for funds to save me!/ The money shalt return in the future!/

    [Mother]: I affy thee dwellth not in a prison?/

    [Steve]: Nay, no large vile fault hath landed me there./

    [Mother]: Why do you need this cash of my earnings?/

    [Steve]: Sadly, my chariot hath gone too fast./ The law hath apprehended it en route!/

    [Mother]: To beg relief from me ist thy nature./

    [Steve]: Calling, I was as woeful as could be./

    [Mother]: Thy wish shalt be presently granted, son./

    [Steve]: O! All prayers hath been answered by thy grace!/

    [Mother]: In return I shalt ask for thy service!/ Come home and clear your debt by way of toil!/ Leaves within gutters need to be set free!/

    [Steve]: Sorrowful world! My torment shalt not cease!/

    Steve Kline is a senior in LAS. His column runs Mondays. He can be reached at [email protected].