I’m guessing most readers couldn’t care less about drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR), but please read my forum anyway. I promise to belittle enough people to help you get through your “I Hate Pam” withdrawal.

I find it difficult to argue against Chuck on this issue. After all, he is a man of the newly ordained Party of God. I am already in a state of mortal sin for voting for Sen. John Kerry and Barack Obama, so disagreeing with that great “steward of the environment,” the prophet George W. Bush, likely puts me another step closer to the fiery pits of Gehenna. Why, the Party of God even has a Biblical mandate to do as it pleases with our natural resources. Genesis 1:28 clearly states, “Fill the earth and subdue it. Have dominion over … all the living things that move on the earth.”

I’m going to conjecture that my buddy Chuck supports drilling in ANWR because of its economic benefits, job-creation potential and a deep-down desire to club a baby seal from time to time. The Republicans responsible for this bill, however, probably have slightly different intentions.

Passing the ANWR drilling bill has been a Republican wet dream since 1995. By wet dream, I mean swimming around in a vault of money a la Scrooge McDuck. Zach’s number-one rule to understanding politics is asking who stands to gain money or power. Following this, it’s safe to assume the Republicans who want to pass the oil-drilling bill are receiving nice contributions from oil corporations.

Now, the more discerning Democratic reader might ask, “But what about Luke 16:13, where it says ‘You cannot give yourself to God and money’?” A true member of the Party of God knows that the greatest commandment is “Thou shalt not be pro-choice,” and the other 1,355 pages of the Bible are just a good story. I smell something warm and toasty, silly Democrat.

All religious speak aside, the Republicans’ ploy of attaching the oil-drilling bill to the 2006 budget is a Degeneration X “Suck it!” to the American people. Not only are the Republicans going to pass another Bush budget that likely will put the United States further in debt, but they are also attaching a bill to the budget that U.S. citizens have real concerns about.

One of these concerns is the environmental impact of drilling for oil in ANWR. I think the problem is that the main people who champion these concerns are the tree-huggers. But no one listens to the tree-huggers, because they dress funny and have a thing against bathing.

You can listen to me, though. Notice the conservative haircut and cleanly shaven appearance in my picture. We only have one Earth to live on, and damage to an ecosystem such as ANWR cannot be reversed. It’s great to think that humans can do as they please with the Earth, but if we don’t work to preserve what still is left, Mother Nature has a way of winning out over God’s creatures. Ask the dinosaurs.

The beauty of the Republican beat-down in the election is that the oil-drilling bill is going to be passed. I recommend siding with Chuck. After all, he is a man of the Party of God.

Zachary Schuster is a senior in engineering. His column will appear next Thursday. He can be reached at [email protected].