Opinion: Jesus Christ, pinko star

Online Poster

Online Poster

By Zachary Schuster

My fellow Americans, there is a traitor among us! He is a man whose words and actions influence our nation’s leaders and those who vote for them. His name is Jesus of Nazareth, and he must be stopped before his left-wing, peacenik philosophy destroys the very fabric of our nation.

Stopping this man named Jesus will be difficult, but it is a battle that patriotic Americans must win. Our president lists him as his favorite philosopher, and his namesake Christian Coalition helped turn the recent election for the Republicans. One needs only to turn to the pages of his biography, the New Testament, to see the threat he poses.

Conventional wisdom says the basis of America is free-market capitalism. All good economics students know that the invisible hand guides each citizen to obtain as much wealth as he can. Jesus of Nazareth, however, teaches otherwise. What he espouses is nothing short of c … c … communism!

Jesus said, “Go, sell what you have, and give to the poor and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me … How hard it is for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God.” Let’s call a spade a spade: Daddy Warbucks he is not.

While Jesus’ true (red) colors have been exposed, the Cold War has long since been replaced by President Bush’s war on terrorism. The cornerstone of this has been the war with Iraq. All U.S.-loving patriots support President Bush’s war, even if weapons of mass destruction still have not been found. Only a long-haired, sandal-wearing peacenik who said things like “You shall not bear false witness,” would oppose the war with Iraq.

This Jesus of Nazareth gave a voice to the unpatriotic, anti-American rabble that opposed the war with its silly signs and hackneyed slogans. It is safe to assume they were influenced when Jesus said, “Blest too the peacemakers; they shall be called sons of God.” In return they nicknamed Jesus the “The Prince of Peace.”

Perhaps these traitors to America also took Jesus Christ’s Golden Rule to heart: “Treat others the way you would have them treat you.” Only someone who reads the Bible would suggest that the innocent Iraqi civilians might not be tickled pink to be bombed into the Stone Age. King of the Jews? Ha! More like King of the Bleeding Heart Liberals!

More disturbing than Jesus’ views on the war with Iraq are his beliefs about the war on terrorism in general. Following the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, nearly all Americans, even Democrats, agreed that the United States needed to retaliate against the Taliban in Afghanistan. Everyone felt the urge for vengeance as they watched the two towers fall to the ground that fateful day.

By everyone, I mean everyone but Jesus of Nazareth. His response was, “Love your enemies, pray for your persecutors.” Not one to be bashful, he also added, “Offer no resistance to injury. When a person strikes you on the right cheek, turn and offer him the other.” Jesus Christ not only gives comfort to the terrorists, he TM the terrorists!

Although the case against Jesus Christ has been made, there is one last piece of dirt on him. Patriotic Americans believe in American exceptionalism. It’s our way or the highway, and any nay-sayers can move to Canada.

Jesus, though, was not on the winning team. He once said, “Whoever does the will of God is brother and sister and mother to me.” Imagine if, heaven forbid, a Frenchman does the will of God. Jesus is suggesting that the Frenchman is his brother! The Frenchman!

Full of self-loathing, he also believed in humility over the ‘We’re Number One’ philosophy. “For everyone who exalts himself shall be humbled and he who humbles himself shall be exalted,” he said. If I may paraphrase Jesus: “American exceptionalism? I think not!”

Friends, do not be fooled if this man Jesus comes to you as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He may express a fondness for large budget deficits and unfunded mandates, but this is merely a front for a radical heart that bleeds the color red. Let’s face it, his lovey-dovey preaching about “forgiveness” and “humility” threatens you, me and the American Way.

Zachary Schuster is a senior in engineering. His column runs Thursdays. He can be reached at [email protected]