Those of you expecting a weekly political diatribe from your favorite cold, calculating campus conservative, I’m about to disappoint.

It’s my last column before Valentine’s Day, and I figure I should take this opportunity to break the mold and explore a less partisan topic (or so I thought), thereby diversifying my relationship with you. So take my hand as we stroll down the lovely, rocky road of romance.

Relationships. They are funny things. The Beatles say that love is all you need, Destiny’s Child tells all the women to be independent, and Kelly Clarkson shows us that really doesn’t work in the end anyways. As men strive endlessly to fulfill their biological desire to preserve the future existence of the human race, we work to enter relationships and one day get married – unless, of course, you’re homosexual. In that case you work to ban constitutional amendments. And by work, I mean march in parades and wave signs and write letters to the editor. I’m sorry – I promised no rants.

The dating world is quite complex; it’s like an ocean. “There’s other fish in the sea” is the rallying cry for those who really just “let the big one get away.” I’ve been floating in the coral reef of love for quite some time now, and I’m starting to think I’ll be swept away by a Chicken of the Sea net before I find a little mermaid.

One of my fraternity brothers had some lady-friends up from Kentucky this weekend, and we went out to the bars. Now, first let me say Kentucky girls know how to party – a pretty universal concept. However, their ground rules for social interaction really got lost in translation upon traveling north of Dixieland.

I was told by one of them that if I “really wanted to impress a girl, insult her – make her mad.” She recommended I start insulting her friend who I had been talking to most of the night.

“She’s a big Democrat, talk dirty politics to her.”

Now even I, Mr. Tax-Cutting, Government-Shrinking Republican, had to withhold from my strongest conservative urges. “Confused” doesn’t accurately describe the feeling a man gets when he’s been told that Social Security reform is the quickest way to a girl’s heart. This isn’t how you all feel, is it?

Gosh, who knew my columns could be an aphrodisiac?

But whether it’s a drunkenly scrawled “Buck Fush” in the Bonnie Jean’s stairway, or a graffiti debate above the urinals in Lincoln Hall, it’s hard to be social on this campus and avoid politics. However, I don’t think it’s a ridiculous request to remove politics from our nightlives and, especially, our sex lives.

Look at our President and the first lady. Their model marriage has lasted for over 30 years now – and Laura’s only request to George when they were engaged was, “Just as long as I never have to make a speech.” So much for that.

Laura knew what was up. She was a sweet southern sorority girl looking to settle down and raise a family – separate from her husband’s politics.

I think they make a perfect couple on the stage together. I just don’t think that when George gets off the phone with the ambassador to Thailand, Laura is waiting under the covers to hear all about it.

It really didn’t work well for President and Sen. Clinton. As she was forcing Hillycare down our throats, how often was he really coming home to talk about “work” at the end of the day? Maybe we should ask Monica about Bill’s policy on relationships and politics.

My efforts to find a girl who can look past my hobby may be futile, and I’ll just have to accept that women can’t seem to escape their desire for a good political debate at the end of the day.

Any ladies out there up for some O’Reilly Factor?