Bridget, be my Valentine

By Zachary Schuster

Dear Bridget Sharkey: Every Tuesday morning I wake up with the eager anticipation of 650 words of column-reading bliss penned by you. This Tuesday was no different than any other. Unfortunately, my morning date with the DI left me more saddened than anything else. It wasn’t because Chuck was dispensing advice on love. No, it was because when I read your column, I read the words of a woman who has once again been struck by lovelorn bitterness, even in this festive Valentine’s Day season.

So, Bridget Sharkey, in this season of Conversation Hearts and bad poetry, I would like to know, will you be my valentine? I want to restore your faith in the dicks of this campus and mankind in general. I may be a McColumnist O’Writesalotofcrap, but I certainly am no Chi-Town McGoombah or Arrogant O’Republican. Holla!

Consider this my little train valentine that says “I Choo-Choo-Choose you.” Hopefully it will take you back to the second grade when men were cute, cootie-infested boys, and not the object of Daily Illini scorn. I’m sure you remember back when you gave that budding Virgin O’Christ a “Let’s Bee Friends” valentine. Ahhh, times were so much simpler back then.

I don’t really know the circumstances behind your man-hating, but I promise you, my valentine, we’re not all that bad. Sure we leave the toilet seat up and drink a lot of beer, but everyone is guilty of thinking of only themselves from time to time. Even girls. It would be easy for me to sit here and complain about the injustices the female species has committed against me, but a “The Vaginas on Campus” column would probably end up sucking. My advice? Chillax a bit and don’t be such a hater.

Now, I could imagine that run-ins with “Woman, make me a sandwich” God O’ Philes can be scarring, there are some real men out there. Take for example the “Jackhammer” Jack Ingram or the “Chainsaw” Nick Smith. I guarantee these nice guys would defy your expectations. Ill-ini!

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You also need to look no further than our very own Daily Illini columnists. Take, for example, Chris Kozak. A guy who looks like he’s 12 has to be a nice guy, right? On second thought, he does have an affinity for boobies; bad choice. Maybe Eric Naing would be a better example. Except that he has admitted to being a cheap and tawdry political trick; bad choice again. Of course, you can just forget about our assistant opinions editor, Kiyoshi Martinez. Oh schnap!

Ah jeez, I was trying to be modest and all, but clearly the best example of a nice guy is this dude right here. <== The only dirt on me is that I think Teresa Heinz-Kerry is sexy. Speaking of sexy, I’ve seen your picture every Tuesday, and all I have to ask is “Are you from Memphis? Because you’re the only Ten-I-See.” Boo-yah!

In all seriousness, for your sake, for the sake of all men, I’m willing to do whatever it takes. My mommy says that I’m a kind, witty guy who girls should be lining up for. With an endorsement like that, how can you say no? And that lasagna you’re coveting? I’m all over it. I’ll make you lasagna, spaghetti, linguini or fettuccini, and heck, I’ll even bring it to you at work on a silver platter. I promise you I can go fork to fork in the kitchen with even the most flaming Metr O’Expressual out there.

So Bridget, show some love for humble old Zach and say you’ll be my valentine. I promise to make your bitter Valentine’s Day better than even the most patriarchal, bootylicious rap song out there. Take that 50 Cent, Funk-Master Schusta in the hiz-zouse!