Column: Delaying the inevitable

By Eric Naing

Washington is buzzing over the fate of embattled Republican House Majority leader Tom Delay. Despised by Democrats and cheered by Republicans, this former Texas bug exterminator rose through the ranks of Congress to become one of the most powerful Republicans in our government. Now he is fighting for his political life.

But what exactly has Rep. DeLay done to be so reviled? Well for starters, the House of Representatives Ethics Committee admonished Delay three different times last year, first for allegedly bribing/threatening a fellow Republican representative. He then was caught accepting campaign contributions from Westar Energy just as the Energy Bill was being Tom DeBated in the House. The third rebuke from the Ethics Committee came after DeLay illegally used the Federal Aviation Administration to track Democrats that were trying to block a vote to redistrict Texas congressional districts. Behavior such as that reeks of foul DePlay.

But wait, there’s more. DeLay is also quite the frequent flier as he has taken a trip to Russia paid for by a company with interests in Russian oil. He also took a luxury trip to Europe paid for by gambling interests. To thank his hosts, DeLay helped kill a bill in Congress that would have made it illegal to DePlace bets over the Internet. Rep. DeLay also took a trip to South Korea which was paid for by a foreign agent. Hopefully the Majority leader took the time in one of his trips to either take a swim in a beautiful lake or to sit in his luxury hotel and watch some pay-per-view.

And remember that Ethics Committee? Well, to make sure he would never be admonished again, DeLay packed it full of his cronies essentially destroying what authority the committee had. And to further obliterate any sense of ethics Congress had, DeLay forced the Republicans to abandon a rule requiring House leaders to step down if indicted. This was after he was indicted and thus would have been forced to step down. DeLay is clearly breaking House rules and should be ashamed. What would his mother say about that? Does he not appreciate the 20 hours of Tom DeLabor she went through to give birth to him?

DeLay also used various political organizations to pay his daughter and his wife $500,000 over four years. I don’t know what they spent that money on, but rumor has it that Mrs. DeLay was seen shopping for a diamond stud to put in her pierced Tom DeLabia.

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    And there are even more things that Tom DeLay has been caught doing. He is being accused of money laundering, illegally using corporate donations and keeping the world at hostage with his Tom DeLaser beam.

    The point is that Tom DeLay is a DeLoser. And while it comes as no surprise that Democrats are calling for him to resign, I personally don’t want to see him go. What better leader for the Republican Party is there than a lying, cheating political snake in the grass? He symbolizes everything the Republicans have come to stand for: ruthless power grabbing, blatant hypocrisy and an extreme disregard for ethics. To quote an old saying, Democrats need to make Tom DeHay while the sun shines before it’s too DeLate. They should stop calling for him to resign and just watch while he takes the Republican Party down with him.

    And at the very least, he’s fun to watch. Whether it’s blaming all his troubles on the “liberal media,” ranting about DeGay marriage or making thinly veiled threats to the judiciary, the Majority Leader always has something entertaining to DeSay. Plus, I hear that in bed he’s an excellent DeLay (at least according to Ann Coulter).

    If you are reading, Rep. DeLay, I sincerely urge you to Tom DeStay. Without you, politics just isn’t the same. And if you aren’t reading, then I hope everyone else enjoyed my exercise in filling a column with puns that are Tom DeLame.