Column: Faster pussycat! Kill! Kill!

By Eric Naing

I hate cats. They are arrogant, they scratch everything up and they make my eyes water. So imagine my delight when I learned that citizens in Wisconsin have taken steps to allow licensed hunters to kill feral cats, including housecats without collars. Unfortunately, this delight was soured by my bleeding-heart conscience telling me this was somehow wrong. Fortunately, I came to my senses and remembered how much I hate cats.

Thirteen thousand Wisconsinites voted in all 72 counties to allow hunters to stalk and kill feral cats by a margin of 57 to 43 percent. The measure will now have to pass through the state legislature to become a law.

A feral or free-range cat is loosely defined as an unfriendly cat that has no identification and could easily include a housecat. There are approximately 1.4 million free-range cats in Wisconsin and anywhere from 10 to 70 million nationwide. These cats attack small animals and are responsible each year for the deaths of around 39 million songbirds in Wisconsin alone.

Wisconsin Gov. Jim Doyle opposed the measure saying that all it accomplishes is holding Wisconsin “up as a state that everybody is kind of laughing at right now.” If that’s your only concern Gov. Doyle, I say don’t worry. Wisconsin is already a state that everybody laughs at.

And before all you Wisconsinites get angry, know that I have been to your state. I have seen your numerous cheese and porn stores and witnessed your countless inflatable cows and ridiculous accents. You guys should feel lucky we don’t just give you up to Canada. Furthermore, South Dakota and Minnesota have allowed cat hunting for years and nobody ever laughs at those states (Well, maybe not).

    Sign up for our newsletter!

    The Web site www.dontshootthecat.com claims that cat hunting is inhumane. My reply is that they’re cats for crying out loud. They don’t deserve the right to stand at my feet, let alone the right to be protected from hunters. And anyway, the proposed measure would just be giving feral cats the same hunting status that gophers and skunks now have. And don’t forget the poor songbirds; they are being killed in the millions by these terrorist cats. We already allow the hunting of deer and other animals in the name of population control, so why not do the same for cats?

    Another interesting tidbit I learned from dontshootthe cat.com, “it would be legal to live trap a feral cat and kill it by drowning.” So even if I don’t have a gun, I’d at least have something to do in my free time should the proposal pass.

    Honestly, what has a cat done for you lately? All they ever do is eat our lasagna and ruin poor Jon Arbuckle’s day. Cats have done enough damage to our society already. Aside from defecating in their litter boxes, they’ve defecated all over Broadway (albeit with the help of Andrew Lloyd Webber). In fact, the only good thing cats have ever given us was the 80s cartoon Thundercats. It’s time we stood up to these felines, if not for the songbirds, then for the horror that was Garfield: The Movie.

    The problem that Wisconsin and other states are facing is not the fault of hunters; it’s the fault of cat owners. At the risk of sounding like the host of The Price is Right, more people need to spay and neuter their cats. Cat owners also need to watch their cats more carefully and not abandon them in the wild. If these steps were taken, cat hunting wouldn’t even be needed.

    But if anybody out there does actually like those allergy-inducing beasts for some reason, take comfort in the fact that the cat hunting measure is almost certain to not pass the Wisconsin legislature. So all you cat lovers can continue your knitting and your daily reading of “Kathy” knowing that your precious cat won’t be shot.

    On a side note, it should be noted that I made it though this entire column without using the word “pussy” (well, excluding the title).