Column: Desperate First Wife

By Eric Naing

President Bush and his wife Laura attended the 91st annual White House Correspondents’ Association dinner last Saturday. In years past, the dinner has featured presidents making chronically lame jokes about themselves and this year was no different. The only saving grace was Laura Bush’s stand-up comedy routine, which provided a surprising insight into the lives of the First Couple.

Probably the most shocking revelation of the night was Mrs. Bush’s admission to being extremely sexually frustrated. “George always says that he’s delighted to come to these press dinners. Baloney. He’s usually in bed by now. I’m not kidding. I said to him the other day, ‘George, if you really want to end tyranny in the world, you’re going to have to stay up later.'”

President Bush may speak of freedom and democracy, but it turns out that he’s Saddam Hussein in bed as he enforces a sexually repressive regime. Poor Laura just wants some of that old fashioned Texas lovin’. Take a lesson from your daughters Mr. President – sex is a very fun activity that should be practiced often (and apparently on all fours doing “da butt dance” if you follow Jenna Bush’s example).

The First Lady elaborated by saying “I am married to the president of the United States and here’s our typical evening. Nine o’clock and Mr. Excitement here is in bed and I am watching Desperate Housewives – with (vice-president’s wife) Lynne Cheney. Ladies and gentlemen, I am a desperate housewife.”

This is most distressing because if George actually does go to bed at nine, then the only way for Laura to get some presidential play is to try for some afternoon delight. And we all know that for George, the afternoon is Cheney time. But if Mrs. Bush is really that desperate, she needs to look no further for relief than her TV-watching partner Lynne Cheney. As the author of the lesbian romance novel Sisters, Lynne could definitely show the First Vagina a good time.

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    Laura then went into how she met her future husband. “The amazing thing is that George and I were just meant to be. I was a librarian that spent twelve hours a day in the library. Yet somehow I met George.” If you didn’t get it, that joke was funny because Laura Bush worked in a library and her husband, now the president of the United States, is illiterate. Seriously though, that’s a sweet story. Laura the quiet librarian falls in love with George the rebellious, hard-drinking and hard-drug using (I mean youthful indiscretion-committing) cowboy. It could almost be one of those sappy Lifetime movies … or a porno.

    Laura: Hey there rugged stranger, would you like to check out a book?

    George: No, but I bet you’d like to check this out. (Unzips pants)

    And while we’re on the topic of porn, Laura Bush also took the time to mention her husband’s early flirtation with bestiality. Referring to President Bush’s ranching days, the First Lady said, “He’s learned a lot about ranching since that first year, when he tried to milk the horse. What’s worse, it was a male horse.” Someone call Senator Rick Santorum now. He was right; we are on a slippery moral slope. Not only did our president give a horse a hand-job, but the horse was a dude!

    Probably the most enlightening statement of the night was when Mrs. Bush spoke about her husband’s thought process. “George’s answer to any problem at the ranch is to cut it down with a chainsaw. Which I think is why he and Cheney and Rumsfeld get along so well.” When you get down to it, the people running our government really are just a bunch of little boys playing with their power tools. President Bush would rather whip out his little general and swordfight with the boys instead of directing his energies where they should be – the First Bed. Laura deserves a better husband. And come to think of it, we deserve a better president.