Column: Out the conservative closet

By Eric Naing

This Wednesday, Sept. 21, is the first National Conservative Coming Out Day and I say it’s about time. Conservatives have hidden in the shadows for far too long. Like women, minorities and gays, conservatives deserve the right to embrace their identity and not be punished for being something they cannot control.

Conservatives are vastly underrepresented in our society, and when they finally get some form of representation, they are immediately objectified. Percentage-wise, conservatives are actually the majority, and it’s about time they got treated like it. The glass ceiling must be shattered. I’m sick of people dismissing the ideas of good conservatives just because they have nice legs or enormous breasts.

And though conservatives may look different, they are entitled to no less respect. You have no clue how traumatizing it is to be singled out at an airport or forced to go to a poor, inner-city school just because you believe Reagan was our greatest president. Conservatives are the same as you and me on the inside, though you know what they say about their penis size…

Conservatism is not a choice; it’s who you are. The Constitutional amendment to ban conservative marriage is discrimination. Too many people have been harassed and beaten just because they were reading Ann Coulter’s latest book. It’s time to stop the hate. Conservatism is a part of our culture. Groundbreaking shows like Hannity & Colmes not only introduce conservatism to the masses, but also show that mainstream audiences can accept the idea of two conservatives living and loving together.

It truly is time for all conservatives to come out of the closet. While liberals prance around like they own the country, conservatives must hide despite knowing that they only control the presidency, the House of Representatives, the Senate, the courts, most of the governorships, the leading cable news network, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Times, most of AM talk radio, supporters in many corporations and 1970s rocker Ted Nugent.

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    So maybe I am being slightly facetious, but I’m sure there are plenty of legitimate ways in which conservatives on college campuses truly are being oppressed. Mike Adams of the Leadership Institute, the group that sponsored Conservative Coming Out Day, points to the “totalitarianism advocated by your Marxist professors.” How utterly terrifying. I, for one, am glad Mr. Adams is here to save us from the ghastly fate of “learning about the deeply engrained oppression and racism that pervades American society.”

    After all their sophomoric bellyaching, the only real form of oppression these campus conservatives can draw upon is the dubious threat of liberal professors. There is no empirical evidence showing that professors are discriminating against college conservatives. And so what if most professors claim to be liberal? I bet most NASCAR drivers are conservative, but I don’t hear anyone complaining about that.

    Jon Stewart of The Daily Show put it best when he lamented the “anger of the enfranchised.” It is simply unbelievable that a group of people who control so much has the audacity to claim that they are the victims while ridiculing those who truly are. It’s akin to the millionaire complaining that the poorest people in the country get welfare or that one Britney Spears video where she drowns herself in a Jacuzzi because she has “problems” too.

    I have nothing against free speech. Hell, I’m giving Conservative Coming Out Day free press right now. Nothing would make me happier than to watch the privileged parade around pretending to be oppressed. I just hope they know that their little show is at best amusing and at worst desperate and pathetic.

    These able-bodied campus conservatives sure seem to have a surplus of free time though, especially if they can organize something like this. Isn’t our army somewhere in need of troops? If they have the time to give satirical speeches, then surely they could take part in the war they supported.

    And if you’re reading this, Mr. President, I’d advise you to put away your pink heels and rainbow flag. Remember, they’re being sarcastic.

    Eric Naing is a senior in LAS. His column appears every Monday. He can be reached at [email protected].