Column: Take a deep breath

By Chuck Prochaska

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Hurricane Katrina flooded his coop and it’s George Bush’s fault that he wasn’t notified earlier because Bush hates chickens. OK, I know somebody was just offended by that. George Bush? Probably not. Hurricane survivors? Maybe. Chickens? Absolutely.

How is it that our society has declined from a time when we could look each other in the face and laugh about our differences, to a period of a miserably uptight existence? Is it possible that we may collectively remove the large cylindrical support from our anal cavities? One can only hope. Or did I just offend another group…

Former Booze News columnist Josh Nacey, a personal friend of mine, has recently joined the ranks of politically incorrect and offensive journalists on campus. His column last week titled “How to Hook-up with Your Ex’s Roommate,” a light-hearted and enjoyable commentary aimed at the average college party animal, has evoked apology letters to the Freshman Year Campus Acquaintance Rape Education program, lectures on his insensitivity and now two columns in the Daily Illini. Matt Vroom would be proud. I know I am.

In his article, Nacey jousts with the often-preached, mandatory for Freshman, sex education lecture of, “No means no; if she’s drunk, it means no; if she says yes, but then says no, it means no and if her best friend says that she should have said no, yes really meant no.” The jousting comes easy, understandably. He advises, “Make sure to get the ex super drunk. So drunk that she can’t even form a coherent sentence. If the booze is working she’ll mutter something. Don’t listen, it might be a no, but everybody knows that no really means yes.” Those who wish to crucify Nacey for his insensitivity have begun their rants with “while he might have been joking…” The rant should stop there.

It is widely understood that rape must be prevented and that FYCARE is a valuable tool to combat rape on our campus. But Nacey was joking. Booze News is one big joke. But there are still those who don’t realize that. This week, “Megan the Intern” wrote a piece titled “How to Get a Girl on the Rebound.” Thanks for the advice, Megan! But shouldn’t we be fighting against those who take advantage of women at emotional lows? I think the Booze News needs to boost public awareness on this issue by hosting a public forum to discuss women’s place in the dating world as a result of this column. Give me a break.

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I thought Nacey’s column was funny, as did the 10,000 other hung-over class ditchers who read it on the toilet that day. But a select few found Nacey to be inappropriately crude and politically incorrect. These people need to count to three and take a deep breath before blowing their leftist politically correct tops, then educate themselves on the comparative purposes of Champaign’s finest publications.

The Booze News’ slogan, as printed on the cover of this week’s issue, is “Today’s news, under the influence.” By contrast, the Daily Illini is “An open forum to educate, inform and enliven the entire University of Illinois community.” Compare both to that of the Orange and Blue Observer, whose slogan is “All the news that’s fit to spin.” Just kidding, Leo. (I hope I didn’t just offend a conservative – that would be a first)

But as you can see, the Booze News is all for fun. Many columnists write under a pseudonym, which may be Nacey’s tragic flaw. The hubris of a penchant for public adoration brought him crumbling down in a blast of glory. Maybe I should write under a pseudonym and start telling the truth about how Democrats are the biggest joke of a political party I’ve seen since the Bull Moose. Whoops, too late. “Senator Durbin, I’m sorry for my insensitive remarks about your party, but then again, you know all about insensitivity…”

Chuck Prochaska is a junior in LAS. His column appears every Thursday. He can be reached at [email protected].