Column: The war on Halloween

By Eric Naing

Fox News personality John Gibson recently wrote a book called “The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday Is Worse Than You Thought.” The book, which even Bill O’Reilly called Coulter-esque, explains how the evil liberals are trying to remove any mention of Christmas from our culture.

In an interview with O’Reilly, Gibson lamented that nativity scenes were being taken down in town squares and that there are children out there who apparently don’t know what a Christmas tree is. The horror … THE HORROR!

Gibson, O’Reilly and the Christian right, who all seem completely blind to the concept of a separation of church and state, have been harping about the “War on Christmas” for a couple years now. But while they defend Christmas, they launch a full assault on Halloween.

Halloween should be a magical time of year when we celebrate devils, witches, ghosts and severe head trauma, but those in the Christian right want to kill the fun for everyone. Church groups and other religious organizations are putting forth a coordinated effort to ruin Halloween. They need to be stopped.

Raising a traditional devil-worshipping family these days is hard enough what with Mel Gibson and Jesus running around everywhere. Halloween used to be the one day of the year when we could take a stand for real Satanist values and throw off the shackles imposed on us by the Christian right. Now those values are being challenged.

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    Recently, complaints were filed against a church for distributing anti-Halloween fliers around Indianapolis. The pastor responsible, Larry Mitchell of the House of Prayer Ministry, also sponsors something called Hell House. Hell House is a form of haunted house, which depicts among other things, “massacres, AIDS deaths, fatal drunk driving crashes, and botched abortions.” In 1998, Hell House depicted President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky being tormented by demons in the Oval Office.

    Hot damn! Those Christians sure do know how to make an awesome haunted house. Depicting a botched abortion is ten times cooler than making kids touch peeled grapes and cold spaghetti. If they would just stop it with the fliers, I think pastor Mitchell and I would get along pretty well.

    Also, Focus on the Family, a Christian organization led by James Dobson, posted an article online called “What to Do About Halloween.” One piece of advice is to have kids dress up as wholesome figures instead of anything grotesque or occult. Some examples include “sailors, cowboys, Indians, ballerinas” and Abraham Lincoln.

    First of all, I do not think it would be possible for them to pick a queerer list of costume ideas. Three of them are in the Village People! Secondly, it is our right to dress up as bloody, acid-scarred, mutilated corpses. And did you know that there are kids out there who don’t know who Freddy Krueger is?

    The Christian right is out of control. With their egos still inflated from the 2004 election, these so-called evangelicals believe their vision of the United States is the one everybody has to subscribe to. And anyone who poses a threat to that vision will be destroyed – just ask Harriet Miers.

    This is a nation founded on the principles of sex and violence. The Christian right tried to take away our gratuitous nudity. Then, they went after our graphic violence and now they are going after our sacred holiday. Us in the loony left, or the “kool-aid secular progressive ACLU America haters” as Mr. O’Reilly calls us, won’t stand for this. If it’s a fight they want, then it’s a fight they’ll get.

    I, on behalf of Michael Moore, Halloween and candy company Mars Inc., officially declare war on Christmas. We already know Santa Claus sought uranium from Niger. He probably has already gone nuclear. How else would you explain those creepy elves? It’s about time we end his reign of terror.

    If the classic movie “The Nightmare Before Christmas” taught us anything, it’s that Halloween will always kick Christmas’ butt.

    Eric Naing is a senior in LAS. His column appears every Monday. He can be reached at [email protected].