Column: Welcoming in our new health conscious overlords

By Jon Bambenek

Capitalism has failed in Champaign. More than a hundred years of economic prosperity in the United States has proven to be a sham right here in the twin cities.

Generously, the elites from the Coalition to Protect People from Themselves (as the Champaign-Urbana Smoke Free Alliance was known before they apparently got a public relations consultant) have lobbied for city regulations because we can’t trust evil mega-corporations and Big Liquor to meet the demands of their customers. That whole supply and demand thing is really a device by Big Business to keep us “sheeple” as little more than indentured servants pulled around by the whims of board room elites.

Using statistics only slightly cooked to make their point, they showed the city councils that more than 76 percent of people in Champaign-Urbana support governments taking control of all decision-making powers of consumers. Now, at long last, I can enjoy the local hookah bar without having to suffer through the evils of second-hand smoke.

Cigarette smoke is the only weapon of mass destruction that we have to fear. Patrons of campus bars need not worry about the alleged public health concerns of roofies, or for that matter, the entirely mythical raging venereal disease epidemic on campus. It is of critical importance that we fight to stop second-hand smoke so 18-year-old freshmen can binge drink in Kam’s without having to worry about lung cancer when they are passed out in a pool of their own vomit.

The several smoke-free establishments already in Champaign-Urbana are not enough for the coalition. It is important that every establishment caters to the desires of clients who will never frequent them. We need to make C.O.’s as comfortable for 50 year-old townies as possible. We’d hate for them to be coughing while they are busy ogling at freshmen girls in tight, black bar pants.

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During the intense lobbying, name calling and threats, the coalition refused to let the matter be considerded in a referendum. They’re afraid that Big Liquor and Big Burger would hoodwink the 76 percent of people who allegedly support a ban. See, we just can’t trust those lemmings, I mean voters, to be able to figure out a ballot. So not only has capitalism failed, democracy is a failed and antiquated concept here in our little patch of cornfield.

I look forward to the future campaigns of the coalition who will not stop with simply banning smoking. After all, consumers are too stupid to be able to make any economic and life decision for themselves. The brave new day when all restaurants and grocery stories only offer organic and vegan fare will soon be here. Soda will be banned from vending machines to be replaced with fair-trade lattes.

There is too much variety in life and too many choices to make. It is high time that government did something about this and set a “one size fits all” standard upon our private lives. Long live the new oligarchy.