… Your self-righteous masses yearning to feel persecuted

By Eric Naing

America has come a long way since the days of Paul Revere and Boston tea parties. As a nation, we’ve grown bigger, stronger and inarguably more awesome. Unfortunately, some symbols of this great nation have not aged very well, including the Statue of Liberty. It’s about time that we got rid of this remnant of a kinder, gentler, more French America.

Think of all the landmarks that make America great: the world’s largest ball of twine in Kansas, the Bowling Hall of Fame in St. Louis, the Double Bacon Cheese Thickburger, or even the 198-foot-tall aluminum siding cross here in Effingham, Ill. These things all remind us that America is the largest, meatiest, most Jesus-rific nation in the world.

Now think of the Statue of Liberty: a symbol of unity and immigration and a gift from the French. Do we really want the world to see us as peace loving, immigrant-friendly Frenchmen? I would certainly hope not. The times have changed and so has America. In this era of war and moral decay, we need a national symbol that will defend us from what truly threatens this nation: Mexicans and married gays.

For a better idea of what the Lady Liberty should look like, all you have to do is take a trip to Tennessee and check out “The Statue of Liberation Through Christ.” Standing 72 feet tall, this Statue of Liberty replica replaces Lady Liberty’s July 4th tablet with the Ten Commandments and her torch with a giant cross, inscribes her crown with “Jehovah” and includes a single tear running down her cheek. The statue is the work of the World Overcomers Outreach Ministries Church in Memphis and is meant to symbolize how “God is the founder of our nation.”

Sure, the church could have spent the $260,000 it cost to build the statue on something like helping the poor, but I personally can’t think of a better way to help the homeless than to inspire them with a 72-foot-tall statue. As God himself said, “You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below… I mean, statues for all!”

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    “The Statue of Liberation Through Christ” is a good start, but I think a few more changes should be made. First of all we need to get rid of all that “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” garbage. I suggest a succinct and tasteful “We’re all full, go home” instead, possibly with an “occupado” in parentheses for those who don’t speak American.

    We should also do something about the green lady’s appearance. First, we should replace that obscene toga with a respectable yet stylish pant suit. Also, we should change her face. I suggest the agreeable but not overly pretty visage of our beloved first lady Laura Bush. May her cold, steely gaze watch over the God-fearing people of America.