Telling the future is for idiots

By Billy Joe Mills

It’s stupid and arrogant to predict the future. Any attempt will inevitably embarrass and humiliate the soothsayer.

John McCain will be the next president.

If he loses the primary he will run as an independent with Rudy Giuliani and together they will lead the next great shift in American politics: The Moderate Revolution. McCain will pummel Hillary Clinton in the general election.

The Democrats will outperform Republicans in the 2006 midterm elections, but Republicans will maintain an advantage of 20 members in the House and six in the Senate. However, Democrats will gain a majority of governors. Joe Lieberman will win back his Senate seat as an independent candidate.

The Cubs will not win a World Series until fans learn to stop attending losing seasons, but the youthful optimism of Cubs fans may never allow that.

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    Pushed by voters from our age group, Social Security will be privatized.

    Unlike the way we listen to classic rock, almost none of the music from our generation will be listened to by our children. On top of singers sounding like dying mountain goats and guitarists playing uninspired riffs, the music has no timeless element. Country music has a chance.

    As another pretentious use of substantive due process, Roe v. Wade – just as Lochner v. New York before it – will be overturned by 2015.

    Gay marriage will be legalized by the courts and will never be overturned.

    This University, the country’s most underrated, will eclipse Northwestern, the country’s most overrated university, in terms of prestige.

    Biology will become increasingly integrated with politics.

    Iraq will be a stable democracy by 2020. Other Middle Eastern nations will follow. Just as democratization and capitalism safely redirected the violent proclivities of western Catholics and Protestants, so too will radical Islam evaporate. Democracies can take as long as 100 years to grow thick roots, but it’s worth it.

    Once the Middle East modernizes, Africa will become the new breeding ground for terrorism. Only then will the developed world genuinely focus its money and effort on the problems of Africa.

    William Shatner will be remembered as the greatest lawyer, author, singer, songwriter, director and actor of all time.

    The United States will never go to war with China because the same corporate influence on governments that is often derided will prevent major trading partners from ever warring.

    Because of their ability to innovate and appreciation of free thought, India, not China, is the most likely candidate to overtake the U.S. as the world’s most powerful country. The U.S. might not be the big dog, but the world will be forever cast in its image.

    In 750 years, technology and capitalism will create such an absurd abundance of food and wealth that a Marxist organization of society will be feasible and desirable for the first time.

    The world will continue to become increasingly wealthy, peaceful and happy.

    Certainly optimism always has danger of naivete. But when that optimism is supported by the weight of facts it is not optimism at all – it is reality.