COLUMN: Are you there Osama? It’s me, Eric

By Eric Naing

Dear Mr. bin Laden,

I must say that I’m a huge fan (and not just someone hopping on the bin Laden bandwagon). I love your earlier work in the 80s and even like some of the stuff you did in the 90s.

I’ve been very confused lately and I figure that you’re the only one who can help me. I used to think I was a red-blooded, patriotic American, but according to my president I “give comfort to our adversaries” by questioning him. Vice President Cheney tells me that debating the merits of invading Iraq “validates the strategy of the terrorists” and that voting for politicians who oppose the war encourages “the al-Qaida types.”

That’s why I’m writing to you. A bunch of my friends and I figure that if what the president and his associates are saying is right (and when are they ever wrong?), then we have no choice but to join al-Qaida.

I have been working tirelessly to ensure your eventual victory over the American devils. Hopefully, you’ll be so impressed by my accomplishments that you’ll have no choice but make me a member. My memory may be a little fuzzy though, so forgive me if the details are a little off.

Back in December, 2001, it was I who got the Pentagon to refuse to deploy soldiers in Tora Bora which could have prevented you from escaping. It was hard keeping the military off your back, but I luckily came up with the ultimate way to distract them.

I was the one who tricked President Bush into invading Iraq and taking out Saddam Hussein, who, according to a recent Senate Intelligence Committee report “was distrustful of al-Qaida” and who refused “all requests from al-Qaida to provide material or operational support.” Thanks to me Iraq is now a breeding ground for terrorists like you. I also thought your men could use a little more motivation so I sent over some dog collars to Abu Ghraib prison and taught the guards a few things about genital electrocution.

Oh yeah, that Rumsfeld guy is actually me in disguise. As long as “Secretary Rumsfeld” is in charge, I promise that the war on terror will be fought in the most half-hearted and inefficient way possible.

I also have been sneaking into President Bush’s bedroom and hypnotizing him into forgetting you exist. I actually got him to reply “I truly am not that concerned about him” when he was asked why he had not captured you at a 2002 press conference.

Also, as someone who writes for a newspaper I promise to follow in the footsteps of my comrades at the New York Times and divulge as many government secrets to you as possible. (Just in case you haven’t found out yet, your phones are tapped and your financial transactions are being monitored. And don’t try blowing up any airplanes with liquids, the Feds are onto that, too.)

Following Sept. 11, 2001, I was conflicted by the need to trust my leaders and the feeling that the actions they were taking were all wrong. Fortunately, the Bush Administration was there to point out that my objections were aiding and abetting the enemy.

I am just one of many Americans who the president considers to be the moral equivalent of a terrorist. Labeled as an enemy by our own country, we have no choice but to come to you, Mr. bin Laden.

I can’t wait for you to defeat western civilization. Who wouldn’t want to live in your dream world where women are stripped of their rights and homosexuals are rounded up and stoned to death?

Sincerely,

One of the 49 percent of Americans that didn’t vote for President Bush in 2004 and of the 55 percent who disapprove of his presidency and of the 56 percent who believe the war in Iraq was not worth fighting.

P.S. Would you mind if I called you Osammy?