UWIRE: Fight zombies: Vote Republican

By Nate Karstens

It’s the time of year where I’m reminded why I always vote Republican. I’m not talking about the election, I’m talking about Halloween. Yes, these joyful weeks before the 31st are filled with witches, vampires and most importantly, zombies.

Most positions Republicans have on current issues, such as gun control, abortion, gay marriage and fuel efficiency, make little sense to the average citizen, given, for example, the staggering number of Americans still using guns to kill each other.

However, these positions are best examined in another light: the prevention (or containment) of a full-on invasion of bloodthirsty zombies.

There are undoubtedly some skeptics out there who question the true menace of a zombie army, but let me dispel all pretenses – zombies are currently the No. 1 one threat to humanity. There is no winning the hearts and minds of a zombie army. The callous nature in which they devour everything in their path proves they have no hearts.

Their persistent inability to grasp even the fundamental tenants of differential calculus confirms their lack of cognitive ability.

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Also, the fact that throughout the course of human history we have not had a single zombie invasion means we’re long overdue.

Each position the Republican Party takes can be divided into two categories: threat prevention (anti-zombification) and threat mitigation (de-zombification).

The stances on abortion and gay marriage are obviously preventative; Ken Foree’s cameo in the 2004 remake of “Dawn of the Dead” discusses this subject in more detail, but the bottom line is “When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.”

Republican’s position on gun control is also fairly obvious: The best way to kill a zombie is to shoot it in the head.

There are those who say you don’t need a fully automatic weapon with armor-piercing rounds or an easy-to-wield handgun for zombie hunting, but I beg to differ. I suggest a simple test. Let’s put one of those liberal elites in a room with 50 zombies and a choice: a bolt-action rifle or an M-60 machine gun. I rest my case.

Fuel economy is a topic that, on the surface, has little to do with zombies. Consider, though, that the best way of making a vehicle more efficient is to reduce its size. I don’t know how many zombie movies you’ve seen, but I have never seen someone try to plow through a mob of walking dead with a Volkswagon Beetle, so loved by those liberal tree-huggers. Give me a choice and I’ll choose a Ford Excursion every time. You gotta love the way a zombie splatters when it hits that windshield.

The upcoming election is a critical moment. Given the recent trend of GOP scandals, unilateralism and downright incompetence, you may be tempted to vote for another party.

Just remember, you may hail John Kerry as a hero now, but I can guarantee you you’ll be cursing him and every other latte-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading, undead-loving liberal out there when a zombie is eating you alive.