COLUMN: Arctic Ninja Jesus with kung fu kicking action, light-up laser eyes

By Eric Naing

Having successfully won the War on DrugsT, the War on TerrorT and the Iraq war, diligent Christian soldiers have once again set their sights on ending the War on ChristmasT. Their first target: Toys for Tots. After a storm of negative press and unrelenting scorn from the Christian right, Toys for Tots has accepted a donation of 4,000 talking Jesus dolls.

Vice president of the Toys for Tots Foundation Bill Grein initially was hesitant saying, “We can’t take a chance on sending a talking Jesus doll to a Jewish family or a Muslim family.”

But in a surprising turnaround, the foundation later agreed to distribute the doll (a move most likely influenced by an army of concerned Christians repeatedly chanting “Won’t somebody please think of the children?!”)

The doll itself is 12 inches tall and can say phrases such as “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing” and “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.” He even has kung fu grip action, just like the real Jesus!

According to the doll’s Web site, “He healed the sick. He raised the dead. He fed five thousand men with two fish and five loaves of bread.” It goes on to say, “Jesus was the most important person in history. Ever.” I guess they never heard of Aunt Jackie form Roseanne.

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    All this has me wondering why Christians should stop with Jesus. There is a whole world of inspiring Christians that should be made into dolls.

    n The Ted Haggard Doll: What better role model for children is there than the former leader of the New Life megachurch? Just press a button (located securely between his legs) and marvel as he spouts out phrases such as “I don’t want surprises, scandals or secrets from my church leaders” and “Hey, Mike, what do you know about meth? I don’t do it personally, but I know people who do.”* He even has meth-snorting, male-prostitute hiring action features!

    *According to Mike Jones, the prostitute Haggard hired

    n The Bill O’Reilly doll: The original Christmas warrior would make the perfect gift for children everywhere. Just pull a cord and hear him say fun-filled phrases such as “You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I’d join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofah thing and kinda’ soap up your back*” and “I would start to massage your [breasts], get your nipples really [erect]. ‘cuz I like that and you have spectacular [breasts]”* or “I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and I’d put it on your [female genitals].”* He would even come with accessories such as a plate of falafel, a loofah and a vibrator “shaped like a [phallus] with a little battery in it”* just like the one O’Reilly has!

    *According to court documents from a sexual harassment complaint filed against O’Reilly, which he settled out of court.

    n The George Bush doll: Just push his codpiece and stand in awe as he recites famous likes such as “I believe that God wants me to be president” and “Make the pie higher!” The fun does not stop there though. Bush the doll also comes with the Abu Ghraib torture playset and the blood of 600,000 Iraqis.

    Aside from not wanting to offend non-Christian families, Bill Grein initially decided not to accept the Jesus dolls because “Kids want a gift for the holiday season that is fun.” When you think about it, he is right. Sure, Jesus can turn water into wine and clone fish and bread, but compared to a Playstation 3 or a TMX Tickle Me Elmo, the son of God just doesn’t cut it anymore.