So for those of you who are unaware, there is a group of nomadic parasites jumping from crotch to crotch. Its scientific name is the Saberillious Crotchilious Critterum, or more commonly known as the saber-toothed crotch critter.

The critters run in groups of between 30-50 and a full group, in formation, is about the size of your fingernail. They form colonies in the pubic hair and use it as a harvested resource that ranges from food to various social aspects of saber-toothed crotch critter society. They have a Queen Critter that takes the biggest bite out of your crotch and also directs the worker critters. They spread from person to person through sexual intercourse, so the only way to avoid them is through abstinence or really hot baths with your partner. They have also been known to live in facial hair being contracted through felatio and cunnilingus. Besides the burning and itching they leave patches of deforested hair on your crotch along with a white film across the area of infection.

So what’s the connection between the everlasting, lovable tradition of Spring Break and this disgusting parasite, well let me tell you. Ninety-five percent of all outbreaks of saber-toothed crotch critters occur during the weeks of Spring Break. It is most prevalent south of the Mason-Dixon line where the highly humid atmosphere make growing conditions optimal and the dark, dank spaces between the legs make it the appropriate spot for growth and transmission.

You may laugh, but the threat is real as these creatures are constantly mutating. Dr. Zaius, the well known and accredited ape physician, who has been traveling the lecture circuit and who also briefly visited Champaign through a study abroad partnership between our University and the Planet of the Apes, had this to say, “They burn like hell when you get them, and after they leave everyone knows you had them because they leave that bald spot in your junk.”

He’s been working on a revolutionary new treatment and but hasn’t come up with a title for it yet. The relatively simple is explained in Dr. Zaius’ words, “One, cut a hole in the box. Two, put your junk in that box three. Have her open the box” and that’s about as far as he’s gotten so far. He didn’t go into further detail about how it worked but three out of every four test cases has shown positive results.

Although there isn’t a cure yet for these vermin, we must be aware that they do exist and that they, in Dr. Zaius’ words, “Burn like hell.” We mustn’t be slaves to our bodies and let our bodies dictate what is fun or what isn’t. Sex is not the answer.

In 2005, an estimated 75 percent of the college students, or those claiming to be college students, who had sex over Spring Break contracted the parasite from a “random hook-up” according to the Sexual Health and Grinding Institute (SHAG) in Cancun, Mexico.

Some scientists and conspiracy theorists argue that the parasite was genetically engineered by the CIA who sold it the Taliban during the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan in the 1980s because they thought it would prove useful as a biological weapon due to the notorious promiscuity of the communist-era soldiers. Some scientists disagree by arguing that an earlier strain of the disease is what wiped out the dinosaurs. Whatever the case, condoms aren’t one hundred percent effective against them but they do help protect and prevent. To learn more about saber-toothed crotch critters and other sexually transmitted infections, type caber-toothed crotch critters in whatever search engine you prefer or go to SHAG’s website to become familiar with possible government pandemic response scenarios, the Department of Homeland Security to view it’s color-coded STD threat forecast, or you can just wrap it up. Have a good Spring Break. One Love.