Point

Jake Vial: Don’t throw down with master of evil

VITAL STATISTICS:

Scientific Name:

Richard Bruce (Dick) Cheney

Class: Republican

Order: Neocon

Physical Description: Balding head, pulsating vein and evil smirk. Not to be confused with the less dangerous

(and deceased) Kenneth Lay

Origin: AMERICA!

Life Expectancy: Unknown

Natural Predators:

Iraqis, terrorists, homosexuals, Cheetos, liberals

Reproduction:

Binary fission

Self Defense: Bird shot, death stare, United States military

PLAN OF (heart) ATTACK:

This battle of galactic proportion pits two of the most polarizing figures of the twentieth century against each other in a fight with universal consequences. Will the dark side of the Force be victorious, or will Dick Cheney bring long-awaited democracy to the struggling people of the Galactic Empire?

To the untrained eye, Darth Vader may appear to have the upper hand. However, his armor, size, skill with a light saber and dark use of the Force are no match for Cheney’s defensive and offensive weaponry.

Most humans would be unable to withstand the cold, oxygen-free environment of outer space. Fortunately, Cheney quit breathing years ago and his cold-blooded vascular system only requires two heartbeats per year (usually around grandparents’ day and Christmas). Not only does this allow him to survive in space, but Vader’s use of the Force to choke victims is also rendered useless against the vice president. You can’t kill that which isn’t really living.

More impressive is Cheney’s offensive ability. Vader derives much of his evil appeal from his scratchy, James Earl Jones voice. We’ll see how tough he sounds with a few ounces of lead bird shot in his electronic voice box. I understand that the Vice President is a pretty good shot. Just ask Harry Whittington.

Without his evil voice to scare off would-be attackers, Darth Vader will have to rely on his light saber and the Force. Both would be formidable obstacles to normal humans, but not to a psychotic neocon with enough pent up rage to make Vader look like Jimmy Carter. His blood is clotted in so many places that he just might burst. He’s his own suicide bomb. But good luck ever getting close to him.

Just one wrong step and he’ll call in his own storm troopers. Only his don’t wear white jump suits and wield ray guns. They wear red, white and blue and have nuclear bombs. These colors don’t run!

If Vader chooses to play mind games with the Force, Cheney is ready for the challenge. He has mastered the art of the evil death stare. Just ask any unlucky reporter who goes too far in asking about his lesbian daughter. He has also mastered the ability to play stupid mind tricks. If you had to sit and listen to Dubya talk all day, you’d begin to let your mind wander too. I’ve heard that Cheney passes the time by memorizing launch codes and the digits of Pi. Not quite the force, but good luck getting inside his head. And if Vader can somehow get access to Cheney’s thoughts, try and let the rest of the world know what he’s thinking. I know I never can tell.

I wouldn’t cross the vice president if I were you Darth Vader. And if you do, may the Force be with you. You’re going to need it!

Counterpoint

George Ploss: Sith Lord will wreck Cheney’s business

Where should I start? With Dick and his scowl, or Vader and his saber? If the two poster boys of evil matched up, who’d win? It would very well be a tough fight. Between the Force and the Christian right, the Galactic Empire versus the “freedom imposing” United States military with its coalition of the willing, and Cheney’s shotgun going against Vader’s lightsaber, it makes for a tough call.

So let’s break the contenders down. Vice President Dick Cheney: He’s an old, bald guy with a scary monotone voice who has a failing heart and a blood clot in his leg. He eats too much red meat, can’t dance and just happens to be second-in-command to the leader of the “free” world. He’s worth billions thanks to Halliburton, and likes to eat the heads of bats on Saturday nights just for kicks. He shot his best friend in the face with a shotgun, and his friend apologized for it on national television.

He heads a huge, highly mobile political base and has checkbooks readily available to pay for whatever cause he can come up with. Some call him the “president behind the president,” others “the man with the plan.”

He’s backed by Pat Robertson, big business and a weak, unintelligent POTUS. He’s also got guns, missiles, a missile shield on the way, nukes, fundamentalists, the devil himself and the U.S. Treasury.

Darth Vader, aka Anakin Skywalker, was the one supposed to bring balance to the Force. Which he did, indirectly. Vader is taller, but his health is also failing. To combat that he’s got a biomechancial suit with a cape.

He kills his own generals when they fail. He commands the most powerful intergalactic armada in history and millions of cloned stormtroopers (“Army of One”, eat your shorts). While he has a son who’s trying to kill him, he is still of course, a master of the lightsaber, the dark side of the Force, and apprentice of a powerful Sith who engineered the destruction of the galaxy’s protectors. Let’s not forget the Death Star.

Vader has always been very confused and chose his path of darkness out of the love for his former wife Padme. Cheney isn’t about love and when it comes down to it, he’s all about the money. While Cheney wages war for profit and dominance, Vader just wasn’t disciplined in his ways as a Jedi. That left him vulnerable to the Emperor in the first place.

There is nothing vulnerable about Cheney besides his pacemaker. Everything Vader did was out of love. He could’ve killed his only son but he only cut one hand off instead, very fatherly of him I might add. So Cheney wins the bout in personal evilness.

Cheney’s personal evilness surpasses that of Vader’s because in the end, Vader came back to the good side and it doesn’t look like Cheney is on that path. Besides that, the military that Vader controls would kick the butt of any coalition of the willing Cheney could assemble on Earth.

Lastly, Vader’s most sensational actions were fueled by his emotions while Cheney’s stoicism limits him. So I’ve got to go with Vader. Oh, and a lightsaber beats a shotgun any day of the week. One Love.