Dropping the ‘gay’ bomb

By Eric Naing

In the year 2014, a desperate United States faced a nuclear Iran. After decades of research, the Pentagon created a secret weapon that turned the tide of the war. Unleashed upon Tehran, the “gay bomb” released a cloud of chemical aphrodisiacs which instantly transformed Iran’s Revolutionary Guard into lust-filled, limp-wristed homosexuals. Surrounded by mass same-sex jihadist orgies, a triumphant and unimpeachably heterosexual U.S. military was able to march into the heart of Iran and create a lasting, democratic government.

It may sound a bit far-fetched, but at one point the Pentagon actually tried to make this ridiculous scenario a reality, and I’m not just talking about using military force to bring democracy to the Middle East. In 1994, the military was considering the development of what CBS 5 describes as “a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.”

Unfortunately, the Pentagon neglected one crucial point. Even if you somehow were able to turn people gay with chemicals, the deeply superficial nature of homosexual attraction would ensure that the newly gayified enemy soldiers would not drop their guns in a sex-fueled daze unless our military was also able to create a bomb that would make everybody suitably attractive. Just kidding.

Like other antiquated racist and sexist notions, this idea is so utterly wrong that it goes from being deeply offensive to hilariously awesome. It assumes that all homosexuals are driven purely by libido and will have sex with anything within reach. It also assumes that homosexuals are inherently weak and that sexuality can be controlled. This of course is dead wrong but does give us an insight into how some people in our government view homosexuals.

Polls show that the American people are growing more comfortable with gays and lesbians at an astonishing rate. Unfortunately, those in power are behind the times. General Peter Pace, chairman of the joint chiefs of staff, recently said he believes that homosexuals are immoral and should not be allowed to serve in the military. Soon after that, all 10 Republicans vying to be the GOP’s next presidential candidate unanimously opposed repealing the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy of not letting homosexuals serve openly.

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    The false stereotypes that are taken as fact in the gay bomb scenario show us that the government’s policy regarding gays in the military is based on outdated and incorrect assumptions about homosexuals. The “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, like the gay bomb, is rooted in bigotry and ignorance. And if the enemy developed and used their own gay bomb technology against us, our government’s policy would force the military to discharge our own troops on the field.

    But the biggest fallacy of the gay bomb scenario is that it ignores the role of females in the military. Based on the Pentagon’s own stereotypical logic, if the gay bomb turns enemy male soldiers into weak and sex-crazed gay men, then wouldn’t it also turn enemy female soldiers into unstoppable hyper-bitch, Incredible Hulk-esque lesbians?