Dear God.

It’s been a while since we last spoke. What has it been, 12 years? I was in third grade at St. Augustine Elementary School. Hell, I’m Hindu so I guess I don’t even technically follow you. I’d like to think that I’m more of a fan. Anyway, grave circumstances have hurled our paths together once again.

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers has pulled the blasphemous trigger and targeted you, the Almighty, in a lawsuit. Apparently, Chambers has unsuccessfully attempted to contact you by saying “Come out, come out, wherever you are,” for quite some time. If you haven’t heard God, you are being sued.

Chambers has filed the lawsuit in Douglas County, accusing you of making threats of grave harm to this world’s people. Cited as some of your harmful acts are “fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects, and the like.” If you ask me, alliteration needs to get a restraining order against Chambers. But I digress from this serious issue, forgive me.

Chambers is also accusing you of causing “catastrophes” that have resulted in the death and terrorization of billions of the Earth’s inhabitants, and says that you have no remorse for anything you’ve done. According to him, you “laugh” in the face of calamity.

Don’t be angry, all powerful one. I know that you may want to smite Chambers more than you’ve smitten anyone ever before, even Morgan Freeman. It’s understandable; the senator is basically calling you and your friends out. But is there a meaning to his madness?

Chambers says that he is trying to prove a point. Apparently, many bills have come his way trying to prohibit the filing of certain frivolous lawsuits. Chambers, a man of the people and democracy, believes that according to the Constitution, anyone should be able to file a lawsuit against anyone.

You probably know this already, but our freedom and our quest to protect that freedom are what give our lives meaning as human beings. In our history of existence, there have been many instances where we’ve had to fight for our right to sue.

The maker of the snack, Pirates Booty, was sued for $50 million in an epic anti-fat lawsuit. The plaintiff claimed that indulging on the divine Pirate’s Booty significantly increased her waistline, and her chances of meeting her maker from heart disease. In a more intriguing case, Viacom was sued by a man who claimed that the MTV show “Jackass” stole his name and tainted his good character. The plaintiff was legally named Jack Ass. And who can forget the monumental lawsuit concerning a judge, a dry cleaning business, a pair of missing pants and $67 million?

But why in God’s name would Chambers try to sue you, the rockstar slash godfather of the best-selling book of all time, the Bible?

Maybe the real question is, who is there better to sue than you, the Almighty One? Sure Chambers could have gone after transformer Optimus Prime to prove his point. But that would have seemed foolish.

Instead, Chambers went after the creator, protector and all powerful Omnipotent being of the Universe. With at least two billion followers worldwide and infinitely powerful name recognition, you God, were the perfect target for Chambers’ lawsuit.

In theory, his idea of safeguarding our right to sue is noble. But his means of going about it are ridiculous. What makes Chambers think that you would take the time to stop in Douglas County for the trial?

This is why, with a heavy heart, I ask you for Chambers’ forgiveness. Somewhere over the course of his 70 years on your earth, he forgot the cardinal rule of life: YOU DON’T SUE GOD. So please, God, have mercy on Sen. Chambers if he has fallen from your grace, for he has surely fallen from ours.

Your friend, Sujay