Until last week there was a void in this country, and the only thing patriotic Americans could do was hope some brave, ingenious institution would fill it by inventing a breakfast burrito with 60 grams of fat.

Luckily we have Hardee’s. In a press release titled “Hardee’s gets a little bit country and a little bit Español at breakfast,” Executive Vice President of Marketing Brad Haley said his company’s new 920-calorie Country Breakfast Burrito “represents the first time that hungry breakfast customers can get eggs, bacon, ham, hash browns and sausage gravy in a portable form that can easily be eaten on the go.” Needless to say, it also contains cheese.

One implication of the burrito is obvious: There is no longer any need to ladle sausage gravy directly into your mouth while driving.

Consumer Reports was right a few months ago when it predicted the eco-friendly dashboard gravy boat in the ’08 Prius would quickly become obsolete.

The same press release points out that while the Country Breakfast Burrito can be purchased alone, it is a better option to order it with hash rounds and a cup of coffee, which together is what Hardee’s refers to as a “small combo.” This marketing approach will be complemented by the new tagline, “Has your doctor given you only six months to live? Well Hardee’s says – who needs that many?”

I am just kidding, of course – the actual tagline will probably be something about how much better your life will be if you eat one of these things, or some other outright lie.

Unhealthy food is nothing new to Hardee’s, which offers a cheeseburger with 107 grams of fat and a salad with 83. (I do not know if, instead of dressing, it can be served with sausage gravy.) As a reference point, an average hummingbird is only three grams, though in fairness it weighs more deep-fried and served on a bun.

I invited a few friends to join me in attempting to consume a Country Breakfast Burrito, but none of them liked me enough to come along. They also, apparently, did not like me enough to talk me out of eating something whose healthiness is on par with naked bullfighting.

As a final preparation before going to Hardee’s, I took my i-card – the one that gives me free access to all the workout equipment at IMPE – and set it aflame. I had no idea what my body’s reaction to the burrito would be, but God forbid it should be an urge to exercise.

I was a little nervous as I walked into the restaurant, because I did not want the employees to think I was in training to set the Guinness record for “Fastest Contraction of Heart Disease (mammal).” I was prepared to justify my actions, in case they questioned my sanity:

Hardee’s employee: “Are you SURE you want to order this?”

Me: “It’s okay, I’m a college student.”

Luckily this exchange never took place because the person ahead of me in line was, to guess from his body composition, a direct descendant of Jabba the Hutt. The pressing issue was no longer that the Hardee’s staff would judge me; the issue was that, before I could order, this man might eat all its food.

Unfortunately I didn’t realize until my first bite that from a culinary standpoint, “tortilla” plus “gravy” equals: exactly what you’d think. It turns out tortillas should never be filled with gravy. Even Taco Bell knows this – it’s the reason it never introduced the “Gravito Supreme” – and Taco Bell has lower standards, food-wise, than that dog on YouTube that eats its own poop.

I only finished about three-fourths of the burrito – 45 grams of fat, or 15 hummingbirds worth. I believe eating the whole thing would have invalidated my student health insurance.

So I survived the ordeal, but because the burrito has basically just sat in my stomach in the week since I ate it, I’m not going back to Hardee’s any time soon. Unless it introduces a 2,500-calorie hummingbird. Smothered in sausage gravy, of course.