Turning 21 is an American tradition. It is astounding to think about the incredible citizens from this nation’s history who, at some point in their lives, celebrated a 21st birthday: George Washington, Merv Griffin, Papa Smurf and Oprah. (Note: This is not a complete list.)

The subject came up a few weeks ago when I was trying to think of a thoughtful 21st birthday message to send a friend via Facebook, the social networking site that is the number one way for college students to view each other’s nipple slips. It was important I put serious thought into this message so it would come off even better than what was then the most meaningful post on her wall, “Happpy BIRTHDAY Gurl!!!!!!111”

My own 21st birthday (Sept. 28, 1934) was a special occasion, complete with lawless abandon in the form of the bouncer at a major campus bar stamping me “21” a full 10 minutes before midnight. I was utterly amazed at how, the day before, I was 20 and could not buy alcohol; yet suddenly, through no fault or action of my own, I was 21 and, barring a sudden reversal in the Earth’s rotation, I would NEVER AGAIN NOT BE OLD ENOUGH TO BUY ALCOHOL.

It felt like I was some daring ne’er-do-well the entire month after my 21st, as I went to various alcohol retailers purchasing large bottles of booze, most of which are still unopened in my refrigerator. The adult beverage industry would probably go bankrupt if not for freshly minted 21-year-olds impulsively buying handles of Jorge Stereotypico’s Discount Fertilizer-Tasting Tequila.

The first alcohol you drink on your birthday, however, will almost certainly be at a bar, at a party thrown for you by people who are not yet 21. “Happy birthday,” they will say to you. “It’s great you’re old enough to purchase us alcohol!” Then they will wink, to indicate they are just kidding, and give you a complicated drink order. This continues all night until you have celebrated so much, you can no longer walk all the way to the bartender. By this time, drinks that just an hour ago smelled the same as permanent ink will be like magic, delicious happiness.

Yes, it is a special day. And just think, if that handicapped stall in the Burger King had been occupied 21 years and nine months ago, you wouldn’t even be here.

The other important thing that happens when you turn 21 is you can gamble legally. Young people, trust me when I tell you there is nothing quite like the first time you go to a casino, exchange $100 of hard-earned money for a stack of $5 chips, and feel the thrilling excitement of not knowing whether or not security will kick you out just for throwing up all over the craps table. Whoops, shouldn’t have had that twelfth martini.

I should clarify that there are aspects of turning 21 unrelated to drinking or gambling. For example, you get to go to the DMV and get a new drivers’ license without that red box that says “Under 21 Until” so bouncers and casino guards will have an easier time confirming your age.

Okay, there are zero aspects of turning 21 unrelated to drinking or gambling.

Unfortunately, the 21st birthday is the culmination of a series of birthdays with significance. At 16 you can drive, at 17 you can see R-rated movies, at 18 you can buy lottery tickets and dirty magazines, at 19 you are the actual age you have claimed to be on AOL since you were 12, at 20 you know for sure whether or not you avoided teen pregnancy, etc. But after 21, there are no more important birthdays. Oh, sure, when you’re 25 you can rent a car without a surcharge or get elected to the House of Representatives. But there aren’t a lot of 23-year-olds purchasing fake IDs to run for office.

So my advice to you young people is threefold: First, you should definitely try to turn 21 as soon as possible. Second, party responsibly when you celebrate. And third, don’t forget to tip your ambulance driver.