Dear Santa,

OK, Santa, so I know we’ve been talking for years, but this year is special. My friends came to me and thought I might have some better pull with the Big Guy because, well, I’m president. I’ve even been a good little president this year, so I’m entitled to some favors. I didn’t invade any new countries, there were no scandals in my administration (uhm … well, no big new ones), and my Veep didn’t shoot anyone. Go me!

OK, so I know you’re a busy man, far busier than me, so here’s what you’re going to get me and my friends for Christmas. First, I want something big for Karl. He treated me so good over the years and really convinced the public that we wanted to help them. If it weren’t for that witch Valerie and her husband, nobody would’ve started asking questions and I’d still have him around. No matter, I’m sure his book will sell thousands of copies and he’ll get to be a very rich man. Anyways, I was thinking he deserved one of those trendy new submarines. Apparently, all the rich people are buying their own private subs because the yachts, sports cars, vacation homes and Learjets are not exclusive enough. Karl deserves the best, so I’m hoping you can get him one – preferably, a nucular-powered one.

Speaking of nucular, I’d like some new nucular weapons for the military. The ones we have are so old that they’re out of style! If we had new, low-power nukes, I wouldn’t have to listen to the gossip about the soldiers in Iraq being ill-supplied because I could end the war with a credible threat to use nucular weapons! That would clear my desk of problems in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan. Think of all the additional time I could spend being a good husband if I didn’t have those conflicts to worry about?

I’d also like something for my friend Tony. I’m sure you heard, but he kind of got run out of his prime ministership because he likes me so much. Perhaps you could give him something that would make him stand out in Britain, like a good chef, or you could get him to move to the United States. With the dollar so weak, his pounds would be worth a fortune here!

For my lovely wife Laura, I’d like to get a mistress (or mister, whatever it might be called). I’m so busy with running the country that I feel like I neglect her. She needs company and a warm body at night. Laura’s also a smart woman, so she needs someone to talk about all those books she reads. Maybe you could get her a private library, too? That way she doesn’t have to worry about shushing people and can just relax and read with her mister.

OK, Santa, this request is kind of weird. Remember that Al Gore fellow from a couple years back? Well, turns out he won the Noble Peace Prize, or something like that, for his talk about heating up the planet. I go through all the effort to snatch the presidency from his jowls and he won’t go away! Doesn’t he know that people are tired of him?! My crusade for Middle East peace, my defense of the ol’ Stars and Bars and HE gets the prize?

I was hoping maybe you could get him something to keep him quiet – that global warming thing he keeps talking about might start to hurt my oil buddies. Perhaps you could get him his own island in the ocean. He can observe firsthand the effects of rising tides from his own private beach!

Last, I want something. I work hard all year round and I never get any credit. What I want for Christmas, Santa, is no more of this partisan politics. I don’t want anymore bickering or arguing over immigration, Social Security, war or money. I just want everyone to get along. That’s right, Santa, I want the Democrats to spontaneously combust. Especially that Hillary woman.

Thanks, Santa. If you end up getting me everything on my list, maybe I won’t invade the North Pole – while it’s still there.

Your ‘boy (cowboy, that is),

GWB