On March 4, residents of Brattleboro, Vt., will embrace democracy and head to the polls to vote for President of the United States. This townwide vote will not decide whether a man with the audacity of hope or a steadfast war hero will be moving into the White House, but instead will choose if George W. Bush will be thrown into the local slammer.

In a landslide 3-2 Brattleboro Selectboard vote, a petition to indict and arrest President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney was approved on Jan. 25. The dynamic duo is accused of war crimes, lying about reasons for invading Iraq, spying on U.S. citizens and obstruction of justice through the canning of U.S. attorneys.

The head honcho spearheading the monumental act is none other than Kurt Daims. Famous for his Brattleboro residency, Daims started the petition to incarcerate Bush three months ago. Four hundred and thirty-six signatures later, he’s ready to see the soon to be ex-president and his robotic sidekick serving their next term behind bars.

The question voters will be asked, in all its official glory boils down to this:

“Shall it be the law of the Town of Brattleboro, that the Brattleboro Police … arrest and detain George Bush and Richard Cheney in Brattleboro … and prosecute or extradite them to other authorities that may reasonably contend to prosecute them?”

Town supporters ready to bubble in a triumphant “YES!” on their ballots praise the petition as an ideal example of citizens’ initiative and thinking outside the box. Daims believes that he’s inspired grassroots campaigns to lock up Bush in Louisville, Ky., and Montague, Mass.

On the Town of Brattleboro Web site, where the motto reads “Where It Can ALL Happen,” a message to faithful residents explains the “Petition Indictment.” Town officials believe that because 5 percent of the town signed the petition, the legal minimum to warrant a ballot spot, the “voters should have the opportunity to vote” on the issue.

The paragraph goes on to state that even though the town of Brattleboro and its law enforcement have, ahem, absolutely no right to arrest Bush and will undoubtedly never have the authority nor the jurisdiction to lay a finger on the president and his pudgy friend, it is a symbolic move to give residents the right to vote.

No right, no authority, no jurisdiction. No Brattleboro, it can’t ALL happen. And in this case, it’s legally worthless.

In today’s age the U.S. president is seen not only as the leader of the most powerful country in the world, but as a normal person with quirks and flaws, not unlike the rest of us. Presidential candidates try to bridge the gap between themselves and voters by doing everything from appearing on “The Tyra Banks Show,” to speaking openly about past drug use, to posing for pictures at Wendy’s.

Brattleboro is NOT an instance of this. While it’s never a bad idea to voice disapproval of the president, trying to pass legislation to arrest him if he ever steps foot in your town is useless.

The town has been beaten down by harsh criticism and threats. In angry e-mails and letters, Brattleboro has been called a breeding ground for treason and a close ally of the enemy.

The state of Vermont has also been dragged down as some dissenters call for it to be shunned, while others have canceled family vacations.

One outrageous, incensed Minnesotan went as far as to wish terrorists kidnapped the three who voted in favor of the resolution and make an Internet video of their decapitation.

Understandably, Daims can’t fathom why his petition is getting so much hateful and violent flak. He thinks that if Hitler were to walk through Brattleboro, the local police would arrest him as well. And just when you try to cut the man some slack, he compares Dubya to Hitler.

With the Brattleboro Massacre in mind, it may be wise for President Bush to avoid setting foot in Vermont, the only state he has never visited during his presidency.

Sujay is a junior in biochemistry. He hopes that one day the BK King brings the Rodeo Cheeseburger back to the dollar menu.