I cannot stress enough the importance of being an active participant in University politics, so you should definitely vote in this semester’s campus elections, unless they already happened.

Apparently the elections are next Tuesday and Wednesday. So to honor our system of participatory democracy, I am announcing my write-in candidacy for Student Trustee in the spirit of the ages-old political saying, “You should always run for stuff where the winner gets to ride around in a University-sponsored limo.” This is an actual perk Trustees enjoy, although their main job is to attend Board of Trustees meetings and think snarky thoughts about the other trustees.

I have a lot of the qualifications that you, the voters, look for in a candidate. For instance, fliers. I also have a Facebook group called “Scott Green: Write-In Candidate For Student Trustee.”

All the major candidates have Facebook groups, as they are an effective way to find out how many of your supporters can correctly spell your name in a search box.

So how do I, Scott Green, stand compared to the other candidates? The answer is simple: taller. My opponents claim to be serious about this election, but none of them have the vision or leadership to be six feet tall.

I also have an advantage on slogans. To communicate his competence, ethics, experience, and political stances, my opponent Paul Schmitt has focused his campaign on the phrase “Pick Paul.” He has branded this message on orange fliers all across campus. This is the sort of tagline that communicates the important political message: “I hope for the love of God you won’t forget my name.”

Fortunately for Paul, the University of Illinois doesn’t admit any boorish students. Therefore, nobody has probably even noticed that “Pick Paul” is just a couple of magic marker swipes away from a vulgar message that cannot be reprinted in a respectable newspaper or this one, though it rhymes with “Truck Call.”

Here are a few of my campaign’s slogans, which you can use as a rallying cry on election day:

“Change, hope, promise, and a new thesaurus.”

“Leadership you can trust, if you’ve been drinking.”

“Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee or Scott Green.”

“You could do a lot worse.”

I’m also the most professionally attired. One of my other opponents, Rob Main, dressed as a pirate on Halloween. (Actually, I’m not positive it was on Halloween, but I saw a photograph of him in a tri-cornered hat and an eyepatch emblazoned with a skull and crossbones, and am trusting that he does not dress like this for, say, Arbor Day.)

Does this sound cute to you? Did you know that modern pirates kill dozens of innocent sailors every year? Did you know they generally have less Vitamin C in their diets than non-pirates? Do you want a trustee who is soft on scurvy?

In fact, I did some research, and there isn’t even anyone named Rob Main registered as a student here. There is a “Robert Main.” Is it possible that “Rob Main” and “Robert Main” are one and the same? What else is Robert Main hiding? Feel free to speculate wildly. Let me get it started: He may or may not have had a romantic encounter with a manatee. Discuss.

However, there are definitely risks involved with campaigning, as illustrated by a true story that happened last week to Paul Schmitt. Paul was putting up fliers late at night when he opened a classroom door to find a couple who were experiencing a “last-minute surge in the polls,” if you get my drift. “There was nothing I could do to make the situation more awkward,” Paul said. “So I opened the door again, said ‘Pick Paul!’ and slammed it shut.”

In case you’re still not convinced I’m the right man for the job, you should know I have received a number of endorsements from crucial campus personalities and institutions. (Zero is a number.) I’m also the only candidate who, on the highly controversial subject of Chief Illiniwek, has been smart enough not to publicly announce a position. I may be an inexperienced politician, but I’m not a moron.

I’m in this thing to win it. So vote for me Feb. 26 and 27. While the election spans two days, you can only vote once, though if I become Trustee I will make it a priority not to investigate voter fraud.

You could do a lot worse.

Scott Green is a second-year law student. His campaign fliers and pamphlets, which you can download and distribute, are available at ScottSays.com.