Video games often replace sex

By Celeste brott

As a member of the female sex, I have long been perplexed by the enthusiasm with which guys play video games.

I have also been perplexed by the amount of time some guys are able to spend playing. Then recently, it hit me: video games are a substitute for sex.

Guys think about sex constantly, but no guy can actually engage in sex as often as he thinks about it.

So when he isn’t getting laid, the average guy needs an activity to distract him from this fact.

The activity must engage his mind and his body. It can’t be passive, like watching television.

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Sometimes sports fit this bill, but more often than not, the perfect substitute for sexual activity is found in the playing of video games. Therefore, the amount of time any given guy spends playing video games is inversely proportionate to how often he is getting laid.

When I first came up with this theory, I was really excited. I have solved the mystery of the male psyche, I thought, I finally understand guys! Hallelujah!

However, I have come up with crackpot theories before, many of which make sense in my mind but fail to hold up when field research is conducted. In the interest of validating my theory, I decided to do some research and consult the experts: guys.

First, I shared my theory with my guy friends from work, who I spend most free periods sitting with in Tangeman University Center, chatting about whatever. My theory was met with slight skepticism at first, but after a moment of contemplation, it was dubbed “mostly right.”

I then shared my theory with A.J. Grubbs, a first-year engineering physics student at Case Western University. I hoped that Grubbs would be able to give me the “gay guy’s perspective” on the issue, but instead of considering how my theory related to his own life, he immediately praised my theory as brilliant and gave an example using a guy in his dorm.

“This kid used to play video games all day long,” Grubbs said. “Then he came back after Christmas break and announced that he had a girlfriend. And since he has been back he has hardly played at all.”

Grubbs and I were sitting on a couch in a secluded corner of Highland Café when he told me this, and I got so excited by his example that I spilled my hot cranberry juice and lime down the front of my new dress.

Hardly noticing the red stain soaking into my bosom, I excitedly squeaked back, “Oh my God, that’s just like my brother!” When my brother was around 16, he used to play video games all the time. Then he grew up, started getting laid, and now he hasn’t touched a game-controller in months.

My confidence in my theory is growing after my chat with Grubbs, so I decided to consult Matt Valvano, a graduate of the Art Academy of Cincinnati.

Valvano plays video games often, but he is also more of a lady’s man than anyone else I know. He’s the kind of guy who can flirt with every girl he sees and not be thought of as a jerk because he is sweet and charming enough to get away with it.

“Oh my God, it’s so true,” Valvano said when I shared the theory with him over coffee at The Anchor Grill, a 24-hour diner in Newport, Ky.

“I play video games all the time during the week, but I never play on the weekends,” Valvano said. “That theory is brilliant. You should write a book.”