Ron Howard Narrates: Sometime in the post-apocalyptic future, billionaire Hollywood big-shots fight over what audiences want to see in a summer blockbuster movie.

Universal producer: The Motion Picture Studio’s Alliance has mastered the ancient art of trailer-making.

Like us, they now possess the power to use a two to three minute jumble of exciting footage, dramatic lines, and ominous music to propel the crappiest of movies to box-office glory.

Paramount producer: Fear not, (dramatic pause) I’m filming a sequel decades after the original trilogy had its last crusade. No matter how bad our movie may be, we’ll be immune to critics-

Universal: Since they’ll be thrilled to see the character back on screen. Diabolical.

Howard: On the set of “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” a CGI one-upping battle erupted.

George Lucas: I want Indy in a nuclear holocaust, colonies of killer ants, and Shia LaBeouf in leather!

Steven Spielberg: I see a lead fridge bomb shelter, some aliens, and-

Harrison Ford: Less CGI is more, you monkeys.

Lucas: That’s it! Shia swinging on vines with monkeys! You’ve done it again Jonesy!

Spielberg: And gophers, gotta have CGI gopher shots.

(subtitle: In five days “Crystal Skull” grosses $311 million worldwide)

Howard: Stunned by Paramount’s sure-fire hit, big-shot Universal producer had an idea to cash in on summer audiences.

Universal: We’re remaking a film made only five years ago. When our boy gets angry this summer, we’re going to be seeing a lot of green.

Paramount: That’s incredible.

Howard: But on the set of “The Incredible Hulk,” tensions flared while filming the climax.

Edward Norton: We haven’t had more than three lines of dialogue in a row this entire movie. If there was an introspective look at my emotions before the 20-minute fight, maybe then audiences would give a-.

Liv Tyler: (whispers) Bruce.(inaudible)

Norton: This is what I mean. Liv doesn’t even know we haven’t started shooting. Who wrote this script?

Director: Script? What scares me is that when the CGI takes over, when I can’t fight it anymore and I lose control, I like it.

(subtitle: “Incredible Hulk” turns a green $54 million opening weekend)

Howard: As Universal and Paramount basked in the success of their summer flicks, an angry Edward Norton and Harrison Ford barged in asking why summer standards had dropped considerably and dialogue and character development had taken a backseat to special effects. Infuriated by the producers’ lack of concern over their crappy movies, Norton turned into the Hulk and Ford took out his whip.

Hulk: No Box-Office SMMAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!

Indy: I hate Hollywood snakes, and that’s not just a clever reference for audiences.

Howard: It wasn’t, because the Producers literally turned into monster snakes. On the cusp of an epic battle, a rusty little robot rolled in. Everyone stared into its big eyes, and a full 25 minutes elapsed before it spoke.

Robot: “WALL-E,” 180 million dollar moooooovvvvvvviiiiiiieeeee.

Howard: WALL-E, unaware of the magnitude of the situation, went about his trash-collecting business and compacted a shocked Hulk, Indy and both producers into cubes of summer blockbuster garbage.

The End.

Sujay is a senior in biochemistry and surprisingly has a mid six-figure option for this column.