When it comes to the Internet, old people have the know-how of squid. I’m not sure if it’s because they’re stuck in their ways or because there aren’t a lot of web sites dedicated to false teeth, but something about going online leaves them quaking in their Depends.

[Note to editor: Please remove that paragraph from the print edition. Old men are tough and can kick my ass. Probably old women, too.]

That’s why it’s not surprising that John McCain, who at age 342 is the oldest vertebrate ever to seek the presidency of anything other than a condo board, is totally computer illiterate. Of course, a lot of highly successful Presidents never used the Internet. Teddy Roosevelt, for example. Abraham Lincoln. The ones who slept with their slaves. Martin Sheen.

McCain’s aides occasionally show him conservative blogs, but that just means his exposure is limited to sites analyzing his daily activities. My life isn’t as interesting as his, but I wouldn’t care about the Internet if I thought every site focused on how I went to Walgreens to purchase toilet paper, with commentary about whether it would have been brilliant or wasteful to get an extra ply.

Democratic strategist Jamal Simmons was quoted by The Daily Telegraph of London as saying his five-year-old niece can use the Internet. “She knows how to go to nickelodeon.com and play her games,” Simmons said.

This isn’t really fair. First, I doubt even Simmons knows how to play the games on nickelodeon.com. Second, there are a lot of things five-year-olds can do better than old people. The limbo, for example. Also, not breaking their hips.

Democrats like Simmons should be wary about commenting on McCain’s computer illiteracy, because Bill Clinton, the President Democrats credit with saving the economy and only being impeached once, has only ever sent two e-mails. This number was confirmed by Skip Rutherford, the head of the Clinton Presidential Foundation.

The first e-mail, sent to former Senator John Glenn while in orbit, was probably just to brag about whichever intern was under his desk at the time. Clinton hasn’t said to whom the other was sent, but a few days later the McRib was reintroduced.

It’s probably a good thing that commanders-in-chief don’t get online too often. If you were President, do you think you would put in 16-hour days doing presidential stuff? I would spend about forty minutes doing presidential stuff, and 15 hours 20 minutes on Facebook. McCain can’t spend time on Facebook because it’s on the Internet, which is in California somewhere, which is a week from D.C. by steam engine.

At least McCain knows he doesn’t know much about the Internet. I’d rather have someone aware he should get technical Internet answers from a teenager rather than a politician who thinks “the Internet is a great way to get on the net” (former Kansas Senator Bob Dole), is “a series of tubes” (Alaska Senator Ted Stevens), contains “the Google” (President George W. Bush), or “makes porns for me” (quote made up).

There’s nothing unusual about McCain’s Internet illiteracy – he’s just old. In the same sense, it would be unfair to expect Barack Obama to be an expert on prune juice. Maybe I’ll write about that next week, if the old people don’t get me first.

Scott is a third-year law student. His favorite game on nickelodeon.com is Spongebob Squarepants: Anchovy Assault.