You may be worried about the economy, what with the bankruptcy last week of Lehman Brothers, the buyout of Merrill Lynch, the bailout of AIG by the federal government and the termination of McDonald’s $1 soft drink promotion. But there is absolutely nothing for the average American to worry about, provided he has diversified his assets and is a Canadian citizen.

“I know Americans are concerned about the adjustments that are taking place in our financial markets,” President Bush said last Monday, attempting to pacify the nation. Here is how you can tell he is lying through his teeth: There are 27 syllables in that sentence, and he did not botch a single one.

This means his handlers (Dick Cheney and Vorlok the Destroyer) made him practice the speech over and over again until he had it perfect, which means they were especially worried the president might go off script. It would have been bad if, for example, he’d described a huge economic downturn as an “adjustment,” but the Texas Rangers missing the playoffs as a “crisis.”

The financial sector didn’t have to implode. Lehman Brothers got greedy by giving away too many expensive home loans to people who couldn’t afford to repay them. This became the “Subprime Mortgage Crisis,” so called because jailed white collar executives will be forced to eat subprime rib and so-so lobster. The firm filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, wherein a judge appoints a trustee to help Lehman Brothers find ways to pay off creditors, such as a bikini car wash.

The financial giant can get out of bankruptcy and resume normal business if it shows the court it is responsible enough, at which point it can resume offering subprime mortgages. There is precedent for this. Another financial institution that filed for Chapter 11 and later got out of bankruptcy, Mario Brothers, was able to recoup losses with coins they collected from floating question marks.

The government decided not to help Lehman Brothers, but it did help AIG, the insurance giant whose stock fell 95 percent upon reports it didn’t have cavemen in its ads. The government jumped to action and, within minutes, decided to teach AIG a lesson it won’t forget by giving it an $85 billion loan. This is outrageous. When I wanted to find out the status of my $600 surplus check, I had to wait on hold with the IRS for an entire afternoon.

Money for AIG’s bailout is coming from American taxpayers, but don’t think this was the President’s first choice. His first choice was to take it from orphans and puppies. He also briefly considered taking it from military spending in Iraq until he realized $85 billion was enough to fund maybe 17 or 18 minutes of the war.

As for what this all means, some financial analysts worry this whole thing could send our economy into its darkest days since the Great Depression. What a bunch of Negative Nancies! The Great Depression wasn’t that bad. Apples and pencils were dirt-cheap, and many Americans didn’t have to gnaw off their limbs for sustenance.

But just in case this country isn’t tough enough for that, the president has a complicated plan you non-Harvard MBA types won’t understand: give his Treasury Secretary, Henry Paulson, control over $700 billion to distribute however he wants. Unlike the $85 billion used to bail out AIG, $700 billion is no piddling amount. It’s so much money that if you stacked it all, in pennies, from here to the moon, you would be really good at stacking pennies.

Anyway, for those of you who think this plan – letting Henry Paulson, an unelected official, personally manage more money than the net worth of Bill Gates and me combined – is too good to be true, there is a catch. The president’s proposed legislation would give Paulson immunity from prosecution or agency review.

This means he can literally do anything with the money, even give it all to me, which is why I will not make any jokes about how Henry Paulson’s bald, pocky head looks like a giant buttock. Though I admit it’s more likely he’d hand it over to John McCain, who already owns eight houses and could use the money to buy another 700,000 at $1 million apiece.

More, even, if he takes out subprime mortgages on them.

Scott is a third-year law student. His assets are diversified: Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Brothers 2, Super Mario Brothers 3 and Super Mario Kart.