GOP should pick Spears over Palin

By Carlye Wisel

In case you’ve been living under a midriff-concealing rock, the music video for Britney Spears’ new single “Womanizer” is out, proving that she is finally making her comeback from crazy. With her new self emerging, she has clear competition from today’s favorite female sex symbol, the Palinator. Here’s why the former teen queen should replace the candidate for America’s top female billing:

She’s a news media darling: Though Palin’s running for VP, Tina Fey’s impressions of her on Saturday Night Live are more popular than anything she’s ever said, even counting her mediocre debate performance or nightly skewering courtesy of Jon Stewart. Spears, besides being unavoidable on cable news back when she lost her mind, had her newest video advertised throughout the week on ABC and even had it premiere on 20/20. Our nation is so intrigued by anything she’s doing that could remotely resemble a comeback that it necessitates a broadcast after a news program on a single-digit station. Who knows, by election time, she’ll probably have a duet with Wolf Blitzer and be seen buddying up to new frenemy Greta Van Susteren at a swanky happy hour.

She’s change we can believe in: No one ever said Palin was, so this one’s all Spears’, even though she earned it. Somehow, the pop sensation made a music video with a plot eerily similar to that of “Toxic” while pulling dance moves straight from her old videos, and the response was utterly fantastic. The most incredible part, though, is the hubbub over her naked, writhing body laid atop a sauna bench in the video. Though we’ve practically memorized her infamous vagina picture, people are still tuning in to see her wiggle around.

It’s nutty -we’ve actually seen her saggy birth canal, but she continues to wow us in the nude. If Britney can do anything for our nation’s reputation abroad similar to what she’s done for herself back home, we could have ourselves an early Christmas PR miracle.

She’s got charm: As a nation, we’re easily blind sighted about a candidate’s flaws. Call us simpletons, but there’s a lot about this Sarah Palin lady – Troopergate, lack of governmental knowledge and foreign policy gravitas – that many citizens (who vote Republican) have chosen to ignore. But, while the other half the country blogs and blogs about Palin’s shocking missteps, the majority of us have simply forgotten about Brit’s months and months of utterly psychotic activity, and even she knows she can get away with it. In “Womanizer,” Spears continuously repeats “I got your crazy” while staring sexily into the camera with that bad blonde dye job of hers we know and love.

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Six months ago, though, she was actually going crazy. Remember the alienesque shaved head? The umbrella-wielding car attack in a grey sweatsuit? The shoeless gasoline bathroom trips? The time she refused to give her kids up and was taken out of her home in an ambulance? This is the type of leader we want – one who knows how to hide our country’s truth behind glitz and glamour, allowing us to look toward the future while letting other nations ignore our hideous past.

She’s experienced on the issues: Both ladies have their own share of teenage pregnancy woes, but Bristol Palin’s bun in the oven is a sad small-town story compared to the high-profile insanity that was Jamie Lynn Spears’ child. Bristol got knocked up by the town’s hunky hockey player, which sounds like a boring episode of One Tree Hill circa 1994. Jamie Lynn, however, got pregnant by a guy she met at church (bonus points!), and stars in episodes of a bad television show. Oh, yeah, and she most likely has another one on the way.

But, since the baby race is slightly close because both candidates would have a pregnant relative while in office, consider this: throughout her entire music video, Britney continuously manhandles her significant other by flinging him across a restaurant kitchen, shoving him around the office and even recklessly driving with her high-heeled foot while he’s in a limo’s backseat. Not only does she understand violence (both domestic and international), the girl becomes a master of disguise, highly skilled at putting enemies on the defensive and an overall strategic war expert in just under four minutes.

And, from the sauna scene, you know she performs well in dry heat, too -give this girl two hours in Iraq and it’s guaranteed she’ll shimmy her way to solving the whole thing.

Carlye is a senior in news-editorial journalism who loves that this column let her guiltlessly listen to Britney Spears way, way too many times.