Beware the demon of Green Street

By Carlye Wisel

This death threat is totally ruining Halloween. Before, when campustown was a glorious place filled with girls in themed lingerie and boys in masks, the holiday was bigger and better than it will ever be when we’re miserable adults, unable to enjoy the irresponsible smuttiness of our youth. Now, there’s a terror cloud hanging over our main street, making the cartoon-y fears of Halloween a reality because of the note left in the Undergraduate Library men’s bathroom stating that someone on Green Street would be shot on the night of the 31st.

If you plan to buck up and actually exit your Champaign apartment for an Urbana house party like I do, make sure to consider the impact of your costume choice. With the assumed cops and camera crews palling around campus covering what will hopefully just be a hoax, you can’t wear just anything anymore.

Though you’ve planned, glued, sewn, created and thrifted enough to make a stellar get-up, due to the murder mystery emerging, not every costume has the same meaning anymore. Here are some costumes that are now inappropriate because of the looming campus death threat:

Angel: They’re the standard for innocence, but also a consolation prize for when good, innocent people turn to good, innocent, no-longer-alive people. Sure, baby blue is a feminine color and pairing it with a cute headpiece and miniscule skirt is an easy, skimpy outfit, but all things considered, a little too depressingly ironic.

Grim Reaper: Imagine walking on the gravel-grounded paths behind apartments, trying to ignore the legitimately haunted Green Street and as you cut through a deserted alleyway, you run into the teetering shadow of a man dressed in a black cloak carrying a scythe. Terrifying any day of the week, but on this super-scary Halloween, it’s as bad as seeing Krueger in the flesh.

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Cop, cowboy, bandit, maverick or anything else that would require a toy gun: Do you really want the Champaign Police Department to play Where’s Waldo and take you down accidentally? Didn’t think so. Try switching your bullet-holding prop with a fake machete. Way spookier, more costume like and totally old school.

Sexy Unabomber: My friend Hallie’s costume, which is now a bust. If she’s the one who gets hurt and it’s all over the news, she doesn’t want the entire world to know the last outfit she wore was a skanky jailsuit and that she dressed as a seductive terrorist.

Green Street Murderer: My costume, which is now a bust. If no one gets hurt, it would be absolutely flawless as far as costumes go, but oh my god, if it does happen, you’ll probably be a suspect and hated by all of your friends. (It would have been hilarious for the first few hours, though. Oh well.)

Sarah Palin: Not only is everyone dressing as this, it might actually provoke someone, not even the murderer, to hurt you.

Gladiator: They mercelessly kill people for no reason – not exactly the look you should be going for. Double no-no if you’re a character from 300 – belting “Spart-aahhnns!” at a gaggle of girls to impress them when they’re already terrified to be outside their bedrooms isn’t exactly a good way to get them into yours.

Sweeney Todd: Duh. (See “Grim Reaper.”)

Superman or Batman: There’s undoubtedly going to be cops, news crews and student reporters around town, like the good ol’ London Times days. If you happen to get caught onscreen when something bad happens, you’ll be the ironic photo of the week being passed from blog to blog. Or people will rely on you to save them. (That’s what happens when you wear the S, buddy.)

Carlye is a senior in News-Editorial Journalism who will be a ghost for Halloween. It’s retro or whatever.