Now that the 2008 election is over, George W. Bush gets to do the cool things all lame duck presidents get to do, such as pardoning whoever he wants. Washington insiders expect him to pardon I. Lewis ‘Scooter’ ‘Moped’ Libby, who was involved in the Valerie Plame leak, and Darth Vader, who tried to quell the rebel uprising but is basically a good guy.

But Bush also gets to begin working on his legacy. This will be tough work. He’ll have to get up every day, sometimes as early as noon, and head to his basement. “Don’t come down here, I’m working on my legacy,” he will say, though to the layperson it will sound like he is just watching Dr. Phil and eating Fruity Pebbles.

Naturally he will want to build a presidential library, where he can build a private reading room consisting of 4,000 pounds of Bazooka Joe comics. If he needs help building it, Dick Cheney can advise him on who should get a no-bid contract.

His library (official name: Dubya’s Kickass Libary) is one of Bush’s best chances at legacy-shaping. Think about Dwight Eisenhower: Pretty boring guy, and by all accounts a pretty average library in Abilene, Kan. Next month, for example, it will host a performance of the Abilene Municipal Band. I have nothing against the Abilene Municipal Band, but they’re certainly no Snoop Dogg, who I believe would fit in better with Eisenhower’s famed love of gangsta rap.

What Bush wants to do is go Texas-style with his library. Life-size border fence! Interactive electric chair! Illegal immigrants! Overpriced cafeteria barbecue! Giant belt buckles! The Abilene Municipal Band! These are just a few of the sentence fragments you can use if your newspaper column is 40 words short.

One item he will want in his library is his memoirs, a good chance for any president to set the record straight. People looked forward to Bill Clinton’s “My Life” to see what he would say about the Monica Lewinsky scandal, and the book didn’t disappoint, with its 12-page photo shoot directed by Larry Flynt and a small piece of blue dress stapled to every copy.

The other thing Bush will want to do is hard-core charity work. This is the last refuge for unpopular presidents. Think of Jimmy Carter, building homes for Habitat for Humanity, or Richard Nixon, donating his time to think of lies for the underprivileged to tell their employers.

There is an easy way for Bush to figure out what kind of charity work he needs to do to repair his legacy. The way it works is that the better the president, the less charity he needs to do. Unpopular Carter endured backbreaking years of assembling lumber. Reasonably decent presidents, like Bush’s father or Bill Clinton, did PSAs advising people to donate to tsunami survivors. Franklin D. Roosevelt, a great president who brought us out of the Great Depression and led the way through World War II, didn’t do any charity work after his term ended, though skeptics are quick to point out that he died in office.

Under this logic, Bush would need to tutor inner city children, repair the Hubble space telescope, broker peace with North Korea, cure cancer, solve the world’s food shortage and punch Donald Trump in the face.

Ha ha, I’m just ragging on the President, who I’m sure is a great guy, once you get to know him. I’m sure he’s aware it was all in good fun, but in the sake of politeness, let me just say to him: Pardon me.

Scott is a third-year law student. He much prefers the Topeka Municipal Band.