This whole “Chief Illiniwek returns to campus” thing really got me upset. I mean, my column about Obama last week got zero responses on the DI website, whereas anything about the Chief has people firing half-baked comment-board opinions like so many monkeys flinging poop.

People have very strong opinions about this Illiniwek fellow, and if stoking that fire is the way to make people read what I write, fine by me. This tactic served me well in the past, like in last year’s column, “Gay Nazi abortionists should be allowed to marry, according to the Koran.”

So I went to the Chief event Saturday afternoon at Assembly Hall, where I snuck in 15 minutes before the doors opened by pretending I was a real journalist. I took the closest seat to the tunnel from which Logan Ponce, the senior who portrays Illiniwek, would emerge. This positioned me for an up-close view of the Chief, a highly offensive and racist mascot who represents an extremely historic and honorable tradition.

That should be good for a dozen comments right there.

Before the festivities, I ran into Aaron Schock, the 27-year-old Congressman-elect who shook up Illinois politics by looking exactly like Neil Patrick Harris. “I’m a big fan of the Chief,” he told me. Schock is an alum of Bradley University, home of the Braves. Their mascot, Chief Scalp’em, also has an “offensive” halftime show: instead of dancing, Scalp’em sells Manhattan island to the marching band for $24 worth of trinkets.

It’s so insensitive that I said that! Write letters to the editor! Send CNN an iReport!

Anyway, I asked Schock if he’d like to say something provocative or controversial. “No, I’d rather not,” he said. Rats. This guy’s good. I would’ve asked more questions but a lot of people wanted to talk to him, possibly because they thought he used to play Doogie Howser.

Next, I spoke with Dan Maloney, who portrayed the Chief in 2007 for the “Last Dance.” “It puts a smile on my face and a warm sensation in my heart,” he said of the highly controversial narcotics we took together. Actually he said it about the assembled crowd, more than 9,000 pro-Chiefers. “They know what all the nay-sayers are saying, and they still support this,” he said.

Anything controversial he’d like to add? Commit any major crimes, for example?

“No. I can’t say anything about Logan, though.”

The controversy wasn’t limited to Assembly Hall. Outside, protestors – some in blackface – compared the Chief to racist minstrel shows of the 19th and early 20th centuries. This led to a protest of students opposing the using of blackface, which led to a protest of students opposing protests.

But the biggest protest was the one on the basketball court opposing the Board of Trustees’ 2007 decision. At 3:30, Students for Chief Illiniwek president Roberto Martell, a junior in political science, addressed the crowd, using the word “honorable” no fewer than eight trillion times. “Let us take a look back at the honorable history and honorable tradition,” he said, honorably cuing up a video.

Later he introduced 10 former portrayers of the Chief, each more controversial than the last. There were more speeches and a second video, which was better than the first in that it was shorter. Finally, the alumni band started to play and out came Illiniwek, whose retooled routine included added jumps and gestures, moccasins over his formerly bare feet, and coupons for half-price shrimp cocktail at his new casino.

But on its own without a sporting event, the performance seemed empty. I said the Chief’s return was kind of lame! Lead a mob to my house! Bring torches! And pitchforks!

“It was a great success. How could we have done any better, given all the hoops we had to jump through?” said Student Trustee Paul Schmitt, a former president of Students for Chief Illiniwek who hates your pet dog and either supports or opposes legalizing marijuana, whichever side you find more controversial.

Paul then introduced me to Chapin Rose, the Illinois state representative from the 110th district. “Hello, nice to meet you,” Chapin said. I asked if I could quote him on that. “Yes,” he said. So you heard it here: State Representative Chapin Rose thought it was nice to meet me, Scott Green, a person whose opinion on the Chief is so outrageous I’m not even sure what it is.

Where does the Chief go now? The success of the event makes it likely “The Next Dance” could become an annual event, like Mr. Peanut’s birthday or Yom Kippur.

“This would have been a great place for a quote about our group’s next step,” Martell might have said, if I’d asked him about it.

The Daily Illini put words in Roberto Martell’s mouth! Burn effigies! Call your Congressman! Unless he’s Aaron Schock, in which case he’s busy signing autographs. Doogie Howser is as popular as ever.

Scott is a third-year law student. Don’t miss his next column, “Illegal Immigrants have a constitutional right to burn the flag.”