February: the worst month of the year

By Lynne McMillan

There is a reason February has only 28 days. These four weeks of winter are some of the longest, ugliest days of the year. And I’m not just talking about the landscape. Everywhere I turn, I see people depressed about something: studying for midterms, being pale, waiting in line at C.O.s in negative ten degree wind chill, being dateless for Valentine’s Day, thinking about Nancy Pelosi’s wrinkle-free forehead, and so on. Don’t let this heat wave fool you, February will always be the worst month of the year.

February is the month where the sheen from the new year (and new presidency) has finally worn off, yet the glory of spring seems so far away . thanks for nothing Punxsutawney Phil. In fact, January and February did not even used to be included in the Roman calendar in ancient times because the Romans considered winter to be a month-less period. Wouldn’t that be nice if we could just skip through this despicable month of slush to the sunny, unofficial pastures of March?

You may wonder why am I sparing my usual berating of liberals and turning on February this week.

For starters, I am authorized to say whatever I want about the wretched month, as my birthday qualifies me as a bona fide Februite. In fact, I detest February so avidly that I literally use the word in place of “ugly” or “terrible.”

For example: How was that Accy final? February. How did Michelle Obama look at the Inauguration? February.

To start, an analysis of the word February. Is the extra ‘r’ really necessary, February? Are you that much of a stuck-up, princess month that you think you deserve to have the most syllables and a hard to pronounce ‘r’ even though you have the fewest days? How do you think that makes January feel?

At least it earned its four syllables by having 31 days and two legitimate federal holidays!

Speaking of holidays, February ‘holidays’ are nothing more than a pathetic excuse to sit around and think about how painful February really is. The only type of long weekend trips happening during an Illinois February are the six-hour, one-way road trips to ski for four hours on man-made snow in Michigan. Sick. Not that we can even utilize all those made-up February holidays if we wanted to anymore. Basically, unless you work at a bank or the post office, February holidays are completely worthless after the age of 18.

The few and far between great parts of February are only attainable through either great expense or extreme luck, and always carry a serious risk of public humiliation. Super Bowl XLI is a prime example.

Although Mardi Gras does not always fall in February, the month is hurting so bad for fun it might as well claim it as its own.

The Fat Tuesday obsession has even spread to the Midwest, thus becoming more attainable to the hardest-hit victims of February. But again, given the high risk of public humiliation, probably not worth the trip to St. Louis or New Orleans.

As far as important, historical events in February are concerned, oh wait there are none. You know February is always a slow news month when a search for “February historical events” returns Academy Awards winners. Come to think of it, the endless parade of meaningless awards shows are yet another incredibly annoying and overemphasized quality of February.

To be fair, February’s significant dates have made some staggering contributions to society: Abraham Lincoln, greatest U.S. President ever (born 2/12/1809); Michael Jordan, greatest athlete ever (born 2/17/1963); and Roxana Kayvani, greatest Chipotle Burrito Ambassador ever (born 2/13/1987). So cheers to everyone who calls the amethyst their stone, we deserve applause for having to admit we entered the world in some of the most unfortunate days of the entire year.

Lynne is a senior in business and shares a birthday with Chelsea Clinton, the most February.