Newspaper Drinking Game. Drink anytime the following words appear: crunk, wasted, loaded, tanked, buzzed, blackout, tipsy, plastered and common sense.

This is not a condemnation of drinking excessively,

Nor is it a public service announcement on the joys of sobriety.

If this page helps you avoid a crunk’ed up drunk

Or the black and white pages absorb regurgitated chunks,

Then you might as well get a message that may be of use

Even if it requires a tipsy reading of a D-grade Dr. Seuss.

Since coming to Champaign you’ve amended your agenda

To include getting loaded on cheap booze and occasionally vodka.

But that was high school, you reason, you didn’t drink then.

College is different; it’s socially acceptable to be tanked by 11 a.m.

It’s officially the day you can make it to your 8 a.m. class,

With an hour to spare and a buzz inducing flask.

The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is finally here,

So grab a witty slogan-ed green shirt and a shower of morning beer.

Hit the streets and join the stumbling mob

And march down Green toward the Quad!

Get plastered at a daytime soiree and fight the man,

While drinking Guinness with a side of ham.

But wait! Is that someone whose vision is not blurred?

They lack a frothy cup and speech that’s not slurred.

You ask the specimen why they don’t take a sip,

Then unleash a flurry of questions like a cracking whip:

“I can’t fathom why you have any need to stay up past midnight?

Why visit a bar or party where there are people wasted in sight?

You’re not swallowing liquid so why have the social interaction?

Trust me, it’s orange juice, just drink this concoction.

Please drink with me for the first time, it won’t make you blackout.

Fine then, it’s my vendetta to end your teetotalism-induced drought

Pouring a drink down your throat will make you the man

Damn! Why won’t you just shotgun this can?

It’s Unofficial you fool; you think you’re too good to revel?

Don’t judge me. I’m not drunk; test my bolod alkohol leevl.”

Warnings:

Crunk, wasted, loaded, tanked, buzzed, blackout, tipsy, plastered were all used in the poem. If you were playing along, yes, you have to drink eight times. Crunk. Nine.

When faced with the daunting task of social interaction, test the hypothesis of how males bond in the presence of alcohol. As said in The Big Bang Theory, “It seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting, ‘How wasted am I?’ which is met with an approving chorus of ‘Dude.'”

If you want to “know what it’s like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent” then go to an apartment or house party. That’s where all the “crackdowns” will be taking place.

If you are visiting from another university, it may be surprising, but the University of Illinois can be “sweet as hell” on days besides Unofficial.

Use your common sense.

And the battle continues, with no end in sight. A mob of students who enjoy binge drinking and mass intoxication are pitted against officials who seem to think college drinking issues only exist one day of the year.

Over the last four years there’s been an arms race between the students’ attempts at making Unofficial legendary and the administration’s threats to put an end to the most inebriated day of the year.

What will it take to end this escalation? It’ll have to be something both tragic and dramatic enough for both sides to take notice. Hopefully, we won’t ever reach that point.

Sujay is a senior in biochemistry. Happy Unofficial.