Waka Flocka Flame: A Political Mastermind

By Brandon Zegiel, Columnist

zegielbrandon_cutoutThis election season, we’ve see Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and the semi-relevant Gary Johnson scope a seat out for the oval office.

We’ve seen Trump, the Republican, make his racist and sexist comments, and we shake our heads because of the stupidity that he even has gall to speak live on television.

Turning to Clinton, we’ve seen a traditional politician speaking on behalf of the Democratic party without any truly new ideas.

And Johnson, the Libertarian, might as well be a fifth grader in terms of political knowledge. So, yeah, just a terrible selection of candidates this year. Too bad we can’t vote for hit rapper Waka Flocka Flame.

Flocka, in a video posted by the Rolling Stone’s website, declared his intention to run for president back on April 20, 2015. He did not meet the basic requirements, unfortunately, to hold a valid campaign. The guy simply isn’t old enough to meet the 35-year-old requirement to hold office.

    Sign up for our newsletter!

    It’s a bloody shame he cannot run though, because compared to the candidates we saw at Monday’s debate in St. Louis, he has the potential to be a legendary president.

    His new ideas take political strides of greatness

    After watching Flocka’s campaign video on the Rolling Stone’s website, I was floored when he presented some of the most original political ideas out there.

    He talked about the importance of “stopping all dogs from coming in restaurants.” This key issue is valid and relatable for U.S. citizens, and it was shocking to see him bring it to political light for the first time. Never have the current presidential candidates talked about this issue in a debate.

    It seems that Hillary’s email scandal and Trump’s tax returns have more significance, which really just makes no sense. Along with this, Flocka has also proposed ideas involving education, such his claim that all kids should learn song lyrics in school.

    Clinton, Trump and Johnson should really consider taking notes from this guy. I mean, they are practically students of the political process when Flocka is talking.

    Forget the traditional issues that candidates work to solve such as illegal immigration, high incarceration rates and climate change. What’s important here is that we have dogs eliminated from the public, and lyrics as mandatory teaching material in schools across America.

    It’s easy to see that Flocka could make America what John Winthrop and Ronald Reagan have called a “shining city on the hill.” He has the political ideas to make for an extraordinary leader, and his platform destroys any ideas that Clinton, Trump or Johnson have.

    His new “Presidential Style Proposal” is anything but boring

    Flocka proposed that suits are “too hot” in Congress meetings.

    Again in his campaign video he noted, “I’m going [into meetings] with a tank top, flip flops…”

    Forget the professionalism that goes into becoming president — it’s all about comfort in this new, exciting approach. This makes the traditional “suit and tie” worn by Trump and Johnson seem boring, and Hillary will look stupid for spending thousands of dollars on her pantsuits.

    Flocka might as well add the shorts and go for the home run with this. After all, it’s clearly practical. And let’s not forget, it’s much cheaper too.

    He isn’t blinded by war

    In recent times, the United States military has been aggressive. It was not terribly long ago when President George W. Bush began the War on Terror, saying it was largely because of the administration’s belief that weapons of mass destruction were present in Iraq.

    While we have struck out socially and economically because of that declaration, Flocka seems to understand that war is not the best option. Rather, he is interested in staying out of all international conflicts.

    He made this clear when his interview was interrupted by a phone call. He did not even listen to the other caller, pulling the phone away from his ear. All he said was, “I don’t give a damn if you are going to war.”

    Then he proceeded to hang up his phone, continuing with the campaign video. He was not fazed by the pressure of the caller. He could have made it clear that he wanted to go to war with the caller, but he stood strong. No country can persuade him. His political knowledge is too much for other weak countries to handle.

    The cold hard truth

    Flocka cannot run in this election, but in time we should look for him to join the political arena. Once he fulfills the requirement of age to run for office, expect to see future polls pointing in his direction, especially if the candidates in proceeding elections are sexist pigs, scandal-ridden crooks or incompetent fifth-graders.

    At the very least, expect Waka Flocka Flame to open up his own private university to teach song lyrics. Who knows, maybe it will be more valuable to the American public than the prestigious Trump University, where students learned how to conduct Donald Trump’s definition of business. Right — “business.”

    This column is in no way endorsed by Waka Flocka Flame and I appreciate the read. Is it satirical? Maybe just a bit.

    Brandon is a sophomore in LAS. 

    [email protected]