Satire | Campus Scout | Scout’s scoops unveil climactic, transformative year

By Campus Scout

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of deciding between straws and funnels, it was the age of ranking whether Pfizer or Moderna was better — no shade, Johnson & Johnson — we had a pandemic before us, we had a sprawling KAM’s line ahead of us.
It doesn’t require a master reporter, such as Scout, to realize this year was different than most. However, throughout all the academic year’s triumphs and tribulations, in the end, Illini united against a common enemy: either the encroaching pandemic or, conversely, the University’s COVID-19 policies designed to save students and faculty — a strenuous time for decision-making indeed.
Still, a year like no other deserved an investigator comparable to none. Scout was there, lingering and listening beneath the University tunnels and reporting on the scene for the year’s leading exclusives. Accordingly, for this splendid reflection on the academic year, Scout’s compiled a compilation of his best scoops — free of charge!
Ranging from obtaining the “tea” — Scout’s regularly mastering this modern lingo, mind you — on the Illini’s letdown of the century at March Madness, to learning what will replace Spring Jam next year, Scout is here to deliver all the details:
Kingfisher would have saved March Madness
Although Scout wishes he could reveal this high-level source, consequently, Scout secured a big-time scoop contending that the University’s mascot-in-waiting would have returned the Illini home as March Madness champions instead of casualties to Sister Jean.
Furthermore, where Loyola Chicago enjoyed encouraging prayers from Sister Jean, the Illini would have been electrified with various performances and cheers by the Kingfisher — even without a participating crowd: The Kingfisher is that thrilling, folks.
Similarly, with the University lacking a mascot since the rightful retirement of “Chief Illiniwek,” the proposed bluebird was disclosed to Scout as the missing link to an outright Illini victory.
“There is nothing we have to compete with the Sister Jeans, Bucky Badgers or Herky the Hawks out in the collegiate athletic world. We’re struggling here,” asserted this high-ranking, anonymous athletic official.
Despite Scout’s pledge to impartiality, Scout understands the disastrous implications the Kingfisher’s absence holds on basketball and beyond. Surely the University will comprehend this as well and rescue university athletics from another “missing mascot” incident next year …
David Dobrik planned a visit to legal services

In November this last year, YouTuber and self-proclaimed “funny guy” David Dobrik attempted to visit campus legal services amidst his impending allegations. Sources divulge to Scout that Dobrik, whose previous trip to campus was in October of 2019, vehemently sought advice and assistance from Student Legal Services.
Promising a Tesla to whoever would overlook the overwhelming allegations, Dobrik’s spiraling stardom decline notably originated in C-U when legal services wholeheartedly turned down the self-sworn “comedian.”
“Don’t get me wrong, a Tesla is a Tesla, but the guy gives me the creeps,” noted one employee.
“When he called, you could hear his ‘squad’ in the back awaiting David’s next command while he was on the phone with us. Jason Nash (a companion to Dobrik) also interrupted the call to plead with David not to admit any guilt: ‘Dude, you’re golden, just give them a Tesla and promise they’ll have a slice of your ad revenue in the next ‘FRIENDS KISSING GONE WRONG — CRINGE’ video.’”
“We obviously told the guy no since, one, I’m not too familiar with his content, and two, we don’t even provide the extensive services he required,” concluded this confidant of Scout.
“Mamma Mia!” replaces Spring Jam next year

In a bombshell disclosure, Scout discovered secret documents unveiling that Spring Jam 2022 will feature a reunion of 2009’s stellar blockbuster “Mamma Mia!” Passed underneath an Ikenberry Dining Hall table, this source couldn’t comment on this stunner other than, “It’ll make Lollapalooza look like festival season filth.”
In all its glory, Scout uncovered the University’s grand plan to reunite this star-studded cast in further aspirations to supply more talent to the C-U area.
“With celebrities such as Meryl Streep, Amanda Seyfried and the Swede, surely C-U will become the next Sundance, South by Southwest or Tribeca,” chronicled one testimony.
“We fully expect the student body to lose their minds when the cast momentarily exits the stage and performs within the crowd to numbers like ‘Honey, Honey’ or ‘Lay All Your Love on Me.’”
“Likewise, the Main Quad will be refurbished to echo the film’s Greek set: grass and sidewalks replaced by sand and cobblestone; academic buildings reconstructed to appease the Greek architecture featuring egg white and sky blue buildings to resemble C-U’s version of Kalokairi.”
The remarkable document ends by stating, “actors will not take any questions regarding ‘Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again.’”
Nevertheless, what an interesting age for the University. Additionally, next year can only be better as C-U stands ready for more Scout exclusives. The search continues.

*Campus Scout writes opinion-based, satirical stories and uses fictional sourcing.* 
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