Satire | Opinion | Be a good American: Don’t vote.

By Aaron Anastos, Columnist

Democracy can be a burden. Ask any American. 

What a weight it can be to live in the greatest country in the world and yet, there’s something missing — your own voice. Why should those fossils on Capitol Hill get their 15 minutes and then some, and you’re left to bear with the runoff of whatever sewage-stained legislation they’ve decided to implement.

That burden can be lifted. Don’t vote.

It’s not like your vote matters, anyway. It’s not like the people who do vote have any grasp of what they’re saying, going so far as to determine which candidate’s bubble they fill in based on their level of physical attractiveness or the mood they find themselves in that day.  

But worry not. You can still make a difference. 

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Don’t vote. 

To protest is an American right, and you’re going to exercise that right straight down to Pennsylvania Avenue. On Nov. 8, let Washington hear those silent cries of defiance as you further wear an indent into your sofa instead of joining the 36% of Americans who do turn out to the midterm polls.  

It’s not like that 36% statistic was an optimistic increase between 2014 and 2018 among all ethnic groups and voting ages. One can only idly dream of what difference that could make, disregarding the fact that during the 2018 midterms, young voter turnout doubled. But who cares, it’s only the midterms. 

Midterms couldn’t be less important.    

They don’t even decide anything pivotal like presidential elections do. All midterms are good for is controlling the balance of power within Congress, giving voters a chance to determine which political party holds the majority. It’s not like they’re going to pass any important laws that regard hotly contested topics that directly affect voters.  

With every House seat and a third of Senate seats up for grabs, no one can really be expected to keep up. Power shifts constantly in Washington. Even if the Democrats lose both the House and Senate, which to some appears likely, all that would happen is a massive shift in the legislation that is pursued in Congress. 

Power will end up shifting again with the next president of the opposite party like it always does. 

By using your First Amendment rights and abandoning your 15th, 19th, 24th, and 26th amendments, you will be launching a protest of the highest order. By not showing up to your nearest polling place or sealing an envelope, you will have Congress shaking in their boots. They want you to vote, to show an opinion — it’s not like they’re going to run the government their way. 

As a member of this great democracy, always remember your rights and the beautiful freedom to neglect them. No one has ever sacrificed anything for voting rights, nor will they ever. All democracy means to voters these days is a horde of decrepit buffoons in monkey suits, sitting in a rectangle and talking in circles. 

Forget your Frederick Douglasses, your Martin Luther King Jr.’s, your Emmeline Pankhurst’s and your Susan B. Anthony’s. 

What they fought for is now in your hands. Use it wisely. 


Aaron is a freshman in DGS.

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