Satire | Campus Scout | Introducing Campus Scout’s podcast

By Campus Scout

The Daily Illini is pleased to announce the commencement of a brand new Campus Scout-hosted podcast, streaming soon. The episodes will be available on Soundcloud and in between commercials on all the little screens you see above gas station pumps. 

Sponsored by BAZOOKA Energy Drink and your local neighborhood lemonade stand, The Daily Illini Sponsored Campus Podcast, or DISCO for short, will put a finger to the pulse of student life with help from the only one for the job: our very own Campus Scout. 

To cast as wide a net as possible, Scout has committed to integrating every popular podcast topic possible. Murder, comedy, romance, historical fiction — DISCO will have it all. Scout will stop at nothing to give his listeners a sense of having learned a great deal while leaving enough space in their heads to be filled again the next week. 

But touching on the real issues of campus will be Scout’s top goal. No frills — just facts. 

To fulfill his vow to stay on top of the relevant issues, Scout has barricaded himself in the Daily Illini office for the past three days, constantly clicking refresh on the breaking news page of and drinking nothing but BAZOOKA Energy Drink (the proud sponsor of the podcast!). This just shows how far DISCO will go to provide a listening experience like none other. 

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“Timely” will surely be the top descriptor on DISCO’s soon-to-be sprawling Wikipedia page because Scout has ensured only the most intellectual guests will be permitted to enter his studio. Currently, influential faces such as Kanye West’s former manicurist and the Geico Gecko have already been contacted to guest star in the coming weeks (though the Gecko has yet to return Scout’s call).

In addition to staying timely, Scout envisions the podcast as a great aid to those who wish to strengthen their mind. Take your hippocampus to the next level by listening to nonstop audio content without any nasty pauses to reflect on what’s been heard. 

Remain productive during the day with the help of Scout’s dulcet tones. Maximize workflow by injecting DISCO straight to your eardrums and make the job just a little easier. Beat monotony by not just having one, but two things to mentally process at a time. 

The timeliness and productiveness the show offers will be far reaching, as Scout has told all his extended family and friends to listen. They may lose an irreplaceable portion of their day, but when will they ever listen to a unique podcast such as this again?

Luckily for his massive audience, the assured immediate fame associated with launching a podcast will not go to his head. The rumors that Scout has hired a pair of jets to draw his face in the sky above Urbana-Champaign are unfounded. 

Thanks to the good folks at BAZOOKA Energy Drink, DISCO should be hitting the airwaves just as soon as Scout decides to dismantle his swivel chair blockade and unbarricade the doors to The Daily Illini office. In no time, all of Champaign-Urbana will know DISCO, and The Daily Illini will finally be taken into the digital age, where Scout’s voice is in your ear 24/7. 

This is DISCO. Tune in, won’t you? 


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