One year after his ill-fated and tumultuous presidential campaign, Campus Scout has returned to our lives in a big way.
“The Early Early Show” has faced network scrutiny after our favorite cerulean satirist’s exotic appetite got the best of him on live TV. Now, Scout will only be allowed back onto the airwaves following a firm apology.
In an effort to skyrocket ratings, Scout decided that it was time to elevate his craft as the witty host of everyone’s favorite 5 a.m. program, “The Early Early Show.” His main demographic of hospice nurses and insomniac bread bakers is loyal, but there remain entire oceans of eyes to capture.
Armed with a fork and knife, Scout trounced onto his makeshift stage in the lobby of the Business Instructional Facility. His long monologue skewered the current political climate — specifically the University outrageously making Homecoming a twisted reason to parade and kick up sawdust down in the steam tunnels he calls home.
Following this characteristically agile smattering of rhetoric, Scout’s trusty assistant, the Quad Curator, wheeled out a mysterious covered dish. Smacking his lips, Scout lamented the lack of human interest stories on his program, remarking that it’d become too high-brow.
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This was his chance to become a man of the people once more!
Unbeknown to Scout, the Quad Curator’s lifting of the dish lid revealed a perfectly charred slab of the finest hippopotamus meat on this side of the Atlantic Ocean. He proceeded to savor every morsel, with a side of teriyaki sauce and lentils.
In doing this, Scout:
- Violated numerous laws of the United States Department of Agriculture
- Violated Sections 1-2 of the U.S. Meat and Poultry Inspection Act
- Reversed a legal precedent established in 1910 Louisiana involving the illegal importation of bushmeat from Africa
- Heavily risked violating the Biological Weapons Anti-Terrorism Act of 1989 by consuming meat that could lead to anthrax poisoning and subsequent social diffusion
Unsurprisingly, the network acted quickly.
Our favorite blue buddy was yanked off the airwaves with the speed of a malfunctioning cropduster. His vacation from our screens has no definite end.
Unless … he makes a firm apology to the University and to his local affiliates with a somber heart and genuine resolution to make amends. However, Scout has no such intention.
In fact, he wishes to die on this hill, making himself a martyr for free exotic culinary experiences. Instead of issuing an apology, Scout will be doubling down on his niche gastronomical pastime.
A new spinoff of “The Early Early Show,” preemptively entitled “Too Early with Campus Scout!”, will premiere next week on TEECSCN — The Early Early Campus Scout Culinary Network. It will cleverly bypass any Federal Communications Commission regulations by being funded entirely by Scout’s stash of Soviet-era military technology stowed away in the Noyes Laboratory steam tunnels.
For his first episode, Scout has already ordered an elegant brunch consisting of Sunda pangolin nuggets, Yangtze finless porpoise CHEEZ bites and amber-thawed genetically reconstructed dodo popsicles.
Time will tell whether his contact on Indeed is telling the truth about his connections on the Eurasian black market, indeed.
Campus Scout will make no apologies — long live fine dining!
*Campus Scout writes opinion-based, satirical stories and uses fictional sourcing.*
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