The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

Satire | Campus Scout | Presenting The Early Early Show!

Amy Sanchez

Of the 44,000 students on campus, at least a few have to be interesting. After years of traversing every corner of the University, Scout realizes that he’s been missing out on one crucial crevice. 

What eludes him are people — the humanity of it all. 

With the funding of the 200 rubles he found in the iron-clad lock box beneath his bed in the 1980-1989 wing of the steam tunnels, Scout intends to shoot a pilot for the talk show the University needs in this present age. 

Scout promises it will be painfully relevant, a stinging pincer on the side of student ignorance toward the truly interesting individuals who breathe their same old mundane air. 

Scout has already reserved a space in the Business Instructional Facility, which surprisingly was the only building on campus that accepted his offer of the equivalent of approximately 2,144 of the U.S. currency widely known as the dollar. 

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The BIF lobby shall therefore be co-opted as the set for the hottest new hat in the ring of primetime talk — The Early Early Show, with Campus Scout! 

Aired live Monday through Friday at 5 a.m., The Early Early Show will provide a spin on the up-and-coming trend of tuxedoed monologuers chatting with famous people, as discovered recently and enthusiastically by Scout after dusting off an old VCR with a Johnny Carson tape inside of it. 

The Early Early Show will highlight the best and brightest of the University community. Scout is looking for the people with the most to say, from the rapping professor, the two specific unhoused individuals outside the Green Street Target to whoever has been consistently drawing the upper torso of a phantom in the most inopportune of places. 

What wisdom can Scout glean from these illustrious folks? Tune in to find out, or purchase a live taping ticket for a mere 200 dollars, or 18,657 rubles. 

Competing with current competitors will be difficult, but Scout has already discovered another identical lock box, so they should be off the air soon with heavier wallets.

Due to the prolonged 15-minute nature of the interviews, Scout will be providing peripheral screens on the stage displaying Temple Run gameplay with intermittent footage of orangutans dueling on floating logs. 

Constant engagement and unending enlightenment are for Scout’s already purchased custom-fitted blue and orange tuxedo. Scout knows his audience, and he’s ready to get to know them even better. 

For his first interview, Scout will welcome a soon-to-be-informed rapping professor to the set for an in-depth examination of the perverse effects academic tenure has on the middle-aged mind, and how to hopefully reverse its effects to produce sweeping symphonic pieces instead. 

As his audience is soothed by the satisfying visual ambiance of fedora-ed explorers being pursued by hideously mutated apes, Scout hopes to truly crack the shells of the most inaccessible personalities on campus. 

Anticipating such a surely massive audience comprises a great deal of Scout and his production team’s time. Overflow seats will be installed on the back walls of the Café Kopi in the southwest corner of the atrium. 

Scout hopes the true human urge to simply know one another better will keep the excited throngs coming through the doors at a frightening pace. 

Secure your ticket now to join the growing talk show craze! If boring old Johnny Carson can do it, a diminutive blue individual has more than a fair shot. 

A college campus needs its bright personalities, and Scout is here to put them on display. Rumor has it Scout has preemptively purchased a second tuxedo in preparation for the sure-fire renewal of the E.E.S. for a second season. 

It might seem like a massive commitment of time and attention, but Scout is certain that the early hour and the draw of complimentary coffee and riveting conversation will soon send the show’s reputation into the stratosphere. 


*Campus Scout writes opinion-based, satirical stories and uses fictional sourcing.*

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About the Contributors
Campus Scout
Campus Scout is The Daily Illini's satirical columnist and is quite the character. Their identity, as per tradition, is kept a secret. Scout is known to make riveting social commentary and uses only the most reliable (fictitious) sources. Scout has been a part of the University for decades, disappearing briefly but returning as a writer in 2021 to cause a ruckus about the things that matter.
Amy Sanchez
Amy Sanchez, Graphics Editor
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