The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

The independent student newspaper at the University of Illinois since 1871

The Daily Illini

Satire | Campus Scout | Scout’s grand donation to the University: Speaking on their behalf


As the spring thaw approaches, Scout realizes the strain the winter has put on the University facilities. His steam tunnels are nice and toasty, but he knows for certain that certain campus resources have truly felt the strain of the chilly months.

Therefore, he has been generous enough to provide a donation from his underground stock of stolen antiquities below Davenport Hall. 

He has loaded a truck and brought them himself to the Swanlund Administration Building, driving at a walking pace. He may take a while, however, since things like curbs and stairs and stoplights are so hard to notice when driving at that speed.

Here is the whole donation, stated exactly in his words, as follows:


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1. 12 Mittens 

As we’ve seen, the winter can become quite frigid. This can put an unfortunate weight on the already Atlassian shoulders of our courageous public safety workers. 

Scout had therefore generously provided twelve fuzzy mittens to the University. With these in hand, our titans among nighttime adventurers can last up to 500 feet without feeling a shiver.

Scout is very much aware that nighttime excursions can be even more uncomfortable for those poor souls — we would never want them to catch a sniffle. 

Sniffles are the absolute nadir of human existence, and our campus police must be protected from them at all costs.


2. Unlimited phone data

Cell phone use is at an all-time high, and data plans are skyrocketing through the roof — just like Scout when he activated the singular secret ejector seat in Foellinger Auditorium. 

This can be especially hard for our lovely staff — especially when it’s nighttime and their minutes from the day are all used up.

They must get so sleepy; their fingers all frozen up in the night air. Hard to tap three times on a phone screen. 

Imagine if something important happened in the middle of the night.

Imagine if someone needed to be contacted, but the University employee minutes ran out!

That would be tragic.


3. A biplane

Scout knows very well that the University’s top priority is to keep us students informed. It’s a school, after all. 

However, sometimes it can be hard for our high-minded administration.

Having to add every single student in a Massmail must take so much time. Especially when something unfortunate occurs — their fingers must get all cramped.

Scout had therefore donated a biplane for the University. With this, the University can fly overhead so that it can spread a message much more easily.

A message that would never take going on three months to say. 

The plane will be equipped with a banner for words to be written.

It can fit as many as 11 letters.

As many as, for example, are in the word “condolences.”

If the University has time, of course. The heat in its offices might be turned up — hard to hear over all that noise. 


*Campus Scout writes opinion-based, satirical stories and uses fictional sourcing.*

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About the Contributor
Campus Scout
Campus Scout is The Daily Illini's satirical columnist and is quite the character. Their identity, as per tradition, is kept a secret. Scout is known to make riveting social commentary and uses only the most reliable (fictitious) sources. Scout has been a part of the University for decades, disappearing briefly but returning as a writer in 2021 to cause a ruckus about the things that matter.
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