Chancellor Robert Jones held an event Monday morning at the Alice Campbell Alumni Center where he announced he would be stepping down from his role at the University, effective immediately. Following about thirty minutes without an official chancellor, the University published a statement announcing that American rapper Kodak Black would assume the position in the interim until the vacancy is permanently filled.
“It pains me to leave this community,” Jones said in his address. “But, frankly, none of you guys can hang. Unofficial was a disgrace. None of your parties are fun anymore. Nerds.”
Following the press briefing, Jones drove away in a white convertible sports car with American model and socialite Kendall Jenner in the passenger seat.
“We’re going to Miami,” Jones said. “Don’t wait up.”
Black then went live on Facebook to address the University community.
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“I’m the s— I’m fartin’,” Black said. “I don’t know how to potty.”
When asked about his unexpected appointment to arguably the highest administrative position at the University, Black said his achievements spoke for themselves.
“I talk for myself, b—-, I don’t need no f—ing voucher,” Black said. “Wrist so icy, wonder why she like me, b—- I’m drownin’.”
Black said he has appointed an all-new board of trustees, consisting of the entire former waiting staff at the Joliet location of Hooters restaurants. The dress code at the new board’s meetings will reportedly include shiny chrome bikinis, spray tan and motor oil.
“Chancellor Black hopes to hire faculty that embodies youthful energy, passion and ‘steez,’” said an email release from the University. “Students deserve a community that bears them in mind as it makes decisions on their behalf, and Chancellor Black promises to do exactly that.”
According to the release, in addition to administrative changes, Black intends to foster the creation of new academic departments and courses of study.
“We are all confident that this change will usher in a new time for the University of Illinois,” said University System President Timothy Killeen in a statement. “Chancellor Black is an upstanding gentleman and has contributed greatly to American culture. I hope that he is able to make his vision for this campus a reality.”
