Keeping up with the youth of today is quite a challenge for anyone above the age of 20, and presidential candidate Campus Scout is well aware of this. 

Once he hit 100, Scout realized that he would have to keep up with the whipper-snappers if he ever had a shot at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Now, he’s assembled a crack team of social media and communications experts to carefully prune and manicure the delicate bonsai tree that is his public image. Now that the election has intensified, Scout realizes it’s about time he connected with the up-and-coming generations. Nothing would boost his popularity points quite like an assassination attempt, but Scout’s closest advisors emphasize his terrible ducking reflexes. 

Luckily, having assembled his crew of experts from the genius new web service known as Fiverr, Scout has met several especially talented young individuals who he might never have met otherwise! 

Comprising his team are three members of the whipper-snapper demographic who all, in their words, “possess various skills that will assist in skyrocketing your viewer base and leveling up your media presence in order to access your discourse score and accomplish your assorted goals.”

Leading the team is Scout’s head vibe curator, who has been assessing Scout’s aura all month to accurately portray his values in the media. The vibe curator, after several Immersion Sessions with Scout, has determined that his aura will translate best virtually in a pinkish hue. 

Directly in the loose chain of command under the vibe curator is Scout’s aura specialist. They work with the vibe curator to ensure that Scout’s assorted values and messages are heard and absorbed by the lifeforms in his bubble.  

Also on the team is Scout’s personal positive reinforcement manager. They will remain by his side for the rest of the campaign, whispering encouraging nothings into his cerulean ear. In any intense moment, from the interstate underpass to the Wendy’s drive-through, the positive reinforcement manager will be there.

Finally, Scout’s chief information messenger stays on their cell phone 24/7 to ensure that Scout is informed about any developments in his online presence, from followers to pop-up ads. 

According to Scout’s Vibe Curator, studies have shown that presidential candidates with 5% more ads related to puppies or small reptiles have overall campaign success rates of 7.75% greater than those with feeds promoting more mundane items like skincare and refrigeration products. 

For only $135 per hour of consultation, this array of experts is well worth the investment.

As Scout heads into his long trek across the country into the final month before Election Day, he needs to lean on a group of experts. Luckily, he will be able to leave his pesky campaign staff back in his headquarters within the hollowed-out carcass of the Illini Union’s Einstein Bros Bagels. He at last has a crew he truly trusts at his side.

To firmly implant Scout’s cerulean visage on the cultural zeitgeist, the team has been working tirelessly to promote him through the most popular whipper-snapper platforms. 

Worry not, kiddos. You’ll know who gets your vote the minute you return to Vimeo for the fifth time today. Vimeo now sports ads for Scout — a bright blue screen with the silhouette of our favorite satirist. All the ad needs is his simple and punchy campaign slogan:

“Blue. Better. America.” 

Scout, as he sets out from the sandy coast of Santa Barbara, has been seeing an outpouring of support for the campaign. All along the road, Scout has noticed individuals wearing the color blue. What succulent fruit has this online campaign already bore!

This may have also been due in part to Scout’s new profile on the hot and fresh platform MySpace, whose user base is now flooded with friend requests from Scout. 

Our favorite satirist’s presence has also been widely noticed on Tinder, a platform his vibe curator has assured will connect deeply with young folks. It was in their 34th hour of consultation this week that the aura specialist crafted Scout’s persona upon the apparently distinguished platform. 

Scout has been assured it is the perfect platform to highlight one’s most desirable attributes.

Already, 111 strangers have noted their attraction to the ancient blue satirist with a charming smile. Scout sleeps well knowing that his patriotic charisma and humility are properly translated through this incredible medium.

Nowhere else on this good earth can a candidate so clearly articulate their platforms and personalities. Scout feels as though the whole of America has become his best friend.

So keep your screens close and swipe right on Campus Scout as your new president of the United States! 

Stay tuned — will Campus Scout beat the buzzer and win the presidency? Don’t touch that dial!