Our very own Campus Scout has missed his chance to save America.

He led a long and eventful campaign that included a cross-country road trip, many unhinged live interviews and an array of high-brow debate performances.

Now, as the long-dug roots of the democratic tradition of this nation falter, only one man can save us. They say the early bird gets the worm, and Scout is quite the fan of old sayings indeed.

He proudly announces his campaign for Scout 2028 — the year we actually save democracy! Now, with his name truly out there, his slogan for the four years will ring true: “Let’s actually do it this time!”

2024 was just a warmup. For now, Scout will let his victorious opponent take the spotlight … but also all the pressure — and the blame. Their cracks will soon begin to show, and Scout shall ascend quickly through the ranks of American high society. 

That doesn’t mean Scout is not disappointed, however. 

He really thought his extra thousand ballots would have made a difference. 

It was a fortuitous turn of events in which Scout realized Champaign had a vast collection of voting locations. All the more opportunities to cast his vote for his favorite candidate … himself!

Even his many urgings for his loyal ScoutHeads to hit every polling location possible did not seem to make much of a difference. Perhaps it was because campus celebrity Sean Evans did not return his daily emails and private Instagram messages, but Scout could also feel a palpable lack of Scout Fever in the air on Election Night. 

It does help, however, that Scout did place extensive online bets in favor of the real victor — these funds will fuel his 2028 campaign, which he projects to be focused on issues that have not even occurred yet.

His platform for the 2028 election currently stands:

• In favor of federal funding to reattach California back to the mainland
• Opposed to food stamp programs in the Southwest following deadly GigaStorm Maurice 
• In favor of replacing Columbus Day with National Adopt a Kitten Day 
• Opposed to replacing National Adopt a Kitten Day with National Catapult a Kitten Day once the previous point is passed

With his predictive genius on full display, Scout will head off the problems of America before its beautiful citizens need even to react. Hopefully, this lengthy strategy of preventive medicine will help secure him a position in his victor’s administration. 

If all goes to plan, Scout’s lobbied position as Director of the Presidential Gift Office will serve as a fortuitous diving board from which his major splash into Washington’s upper echelons may begin. 

Due to his overnight drive to eagerly congratulate his victor/potential employer, Scout will not be making his expected appearance at his campaign party on the steps of Foellinger Great Hall. No concession speech will be made on stage — instead, the once-local campus musician Josh Spinner will be playing a funeral dirge on a set of bagpipes.

Reflecting on the arduous campaign on his hurried drive, Scout practices the centering breathing exercises taught to him by Lesley Stahl following his ratings-boosting “60 Minutes” interview. 

He expected to at least have put up a good fight in the polls, but he supposed America had made its choice wisely. He told his compatriots to follow that fear — if he himself wasn’t on the ballot, he’d have done the same. At least he decided to run his campaign on joy, not fear. That fear is too pervasive, anyway. Even down in the steam tunnels, Scout’s vagrant roommates revealed that fear drove their choices at the polls.

It made perfect sense to Scout. If there’s really anything Americans fear more than authoritarian leadership, it’s a woman. 

*Campus Scout writes opinion-based, satirical stories and uses fictional sourcing.*

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