Former President Joe Biden took his post-presidency vacation across the Midwest and eventually landed on the University’s luscious lawns on Monday afternoon. Champaign-Urbana residents and University students gathered to watch him sunbathe on the Main Quad.
Much like his predecessor, Barack Obama, Biden leapt at the opportunity to cash in his vacation days after stepping down from office.
“I spent so much time on the East Coast growing up,” Biden said. “I wanted to experience the famed flatness of the Midwest.”
Prior to visiting the University, Biden spent time at a few other Big Ten schools over his first two months of retirement — namely Northwestern and Wisconsin. Biden expressed curiosity toward the cheese culture of Wisconsin.
“I thought the cheese curds would be like the ones from Culver’s,” Biden said. “They were just balls of cold, squeaky cheese.”
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His first stop on his way into town was at the Culver’s on Marketview Drive. He waited in the car while secret service agents went in to retrieve his order.
With oozing cheese curds in one hand and a ButterBurger in the other, Biden felt ready to explore campus.
Clad in his suit and tie, Biden’s black Cadillac Escalade parked on the corner of Wright and Chalmers streets.
“We don’t need to listen to the one-way sign,” Biden said. “It’s all just jibber jabber anyways. I was the president.”
Sunny skies and expansive lawns greeted Biden as he stepped out of the back of his tinted car. The first thing the formerly-elected official did was walk to the perpetual pile of 30 Veo bikes.
“How curious,” Biden said.
His team of secret service agents followed him around the pile half a dozen times. Their arms were outstretched around Biden while they tripped over their own feet to keep up with his brisk trod.
The white-haired Pennsylvanian found the Quad after a quick walk across Wright Street with Apple Maps — turned up to the highest volume and brightness settings — announcing his next steps.
Biden displayed his classic smile and wave as hundreds of excited C-U residents lined the streets. Police officers, state troopers and secret service agents guarded the premises.
“Please back away from the former president,” an agent said.
Biden paused his walk and looked toward Foellinger Auditorium, placing his hands on his hips. After standing in a classic dad pose for about 28 minutes, he pointed to a shaded grassy knoll.
A team of agents hurriedly scanned the perimeter of a tree and tested its stability to ensure it would not fall on top of him. Biden ultimately settled in the middle of the green pastures facing the Illini Union.
The 46th United States President remained idle for another six hours, dozing on and off every so often. He made one final remark before setting off to visit another university.
“This dump doesn’t have any f—ing ice cream joints,” Biden said.
This story is entirely fictitious, and images have been digitally altered.
