Attention all incoming students: Do not attend this University, or risk a terrible fate.

The blood moon rises and Pluto breaches its fifth dimension, signaling mortal danger for all University students in the fall semester, according to leading experts.

Ever since a long year including a failed presidential campaign and the closing of Rainforest Cafe’s New Jersey location, Scout has laid low — until now. He has volunteered to lead the campus’ newly formed task force in the Department of Magic and Spell-Casting.

Our blue omnipresent observer of campus life has always been in tune with his spiritual side. Now, however, he faces a startling challenge in defending the University from the other side.

He makes his warning clear. All freshmen in the fall semester should turn tail and flee from the cornfields before it’s too late. It won’t be long until Champaign-Urbana devolves into a supernatural battleground not even Murray and Aykroyd could temper.

Thanks to the simultaneous conjunction of Saturn and Uranus, there is a heightened level of mystic energies in the atmosphere, measured in MILFs — Magic Inside Lightning Flasks. These show that a conflict as old as time will converge over these beautiful manure-stained skies.

As recorded in Scout’s first briefing to his special task force, the beginning signs of the coming war will be apparent. They will start with professors suddenly calling out “sick” or assigning heaps of homework right off the bat. This can only mean one thing — your professor is a werewolf.

Lycanthropy is a misunderstood affliction. Every month at the full moon, the person suffering from it transforms into a massive furry creature with a hankering for raw flesh. The converging of Europa over the trajectory of Pluto will jumpstart these transformations. This will force your physics professor out of the lab and into their office, where they will howl for hours.

Scout’s completely legitimate task force will consume University funds, but save students’ lives — so it’s a good thing.

With the absorption of Venus’ light rays into the lithosphere, there is a high likelihood of a perilous Squirrel Uprising. The creatures are tuned into the humming of the Spirit Realm and will naturally intake the brunt of the MILFs.

If a squirrel approaches you and your freshmen friends, this is highly unnatural. Obtain a flame-emitting device (provided by our friends at Talbot Laboratory!) and rid the world of that fiendish beast as soon as possible.

With the electrifying power of 30,000 MILFs in the stratosphere of planet Earth, Scout confirms we are careening toward an all-out showdown between the forces of living and dead.

The University’s new Chancellor will have their hands full with class schedules shifting due to onslaughts of stray fireballs and festering gargoyle nests.

Any sensible person will recognize these signs immediately. They must flee from the cornfields, which are destined to host a clash of cosmic proportions!

Scout’s task force is currently  mobilizing, constructing              countless garlic dispensers and silver bullet claw machines in case any foolish freshmen stick around.

Hopefully, the University-provided anti-monster survival kits will result in a minimal net loss of underclass tuition. For any additional kits, the Career Center will be holding self-help panels for new students later in September. This, of course, assumes the stratosphere count remains under 55,000 MILFs.

Otherwise, the long-awaited renovations to the Undergraduate Library and Writers Workshop will shut down indefinitely.

If the situation continues to deteriorate as Scout promises, the new Chancellor will send out a Massmail. It will inform currently-enrolled students on proper procedure for navigating classes between cyclops sieges and waves of radioactive dung beetles.

For assistance with preparing for the upcoming supernatural crisis, Campus Scout is available for consultation. Services include ghost detection, property appraisal and crystal ball waxing.

Fees are minimal. However, Scout notes that money will be worthless in the apocalypse, so freshmen should entrust their accounts to him.

Scout accepts cash, Venmo and transfers from RealBusinessPayments.com, a site of his own design. Don’t miss this opportunity for protection against waves of ghouls from our beloved blue guy!

As for the freshmen committed to attending this school in the fall … you had your chance.

You’ve been warned.

*Campus Scout writes opinion-based, satirical stories and uses fictional sourcing.*

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