Campus Scout, bulwark of truth and journalistic integrity, has the biggest story of his career. 

The wise students at the University’s chapter of Turning Point USA were right. 

The Daily Illini is being controlled by Democrat-backed power brokers. Scout has broken free from their brainwashing apparatus and is blessed to survive and tell the tale. 

Here is how the woke mob abducted Scout, in this detailed hour-by-hour recollection. 

Warning: Read at your own risk. Side effects may include skyrocketing estrogen levels in Morgan Wallen’s top 0.05% of Spotify listeners. 

Feb. 8, 7 p.m.

It’s the night before the release of The DI’s infamous “Sex & Dating Guide.” The campus cowers in fear. It knows that these impressionable minds are about to be exposed to a rag of unforeseen depravity.

Scout, good-hearted man that he is, has not granted his endorsement to The DI’s overlords. Their wily words and slithery tongues promise him overflowing riches if he pens a column for the “Sex & Dating Guide.”

But no. Scout refuses. 

“Begone from me,” he said unto them. 

And so his fate is sealed. 

Feb. 8, 8 p.m.

Scout heats leftover baked beans from his fridge. 

Feb. 8, 9 p.m.

Scout catches up on the latest 2026 Milan Cortina Olympic highlights. 

Feb. 8, 10 p.m. 

This hour-by-hour thing really doesn’t work, does it? 

Feb. 8, 11 p.m. 

The time has come — Scout’s moral reckoning. 

His steam tunnel sofa suddenly quivers as he sits there, mesmerized by Ilia Malinin’s ice skating flips. 

In the blink of an eye, pink smoke fills his cozy parlor, cracking picture frames of his traditional nuclear family and setting his original Thirteen Colonies vintage flag aflame.  

Ziplines descend, and shackles snap around his wrists. Clad in rainbow-colored masks, the assailants force Scout to swallow a piece of organic non-GMO avocado toast. 

Choking on the horrid odor of natural byproducts, Scout realizes his captors are none other than his superiors at The DI. 

The woke mob has come. 

Feb. 9, midnight 

Scout awakes in a dark room. He’s strapped to a pelvic muscle-loosening chair, and he’s never felt so relaxed. The mob is up to its tricks. 

Scout realizes that his vision, once as sharp as a hawk’s, is now blurred. His sense of smell, once keen as a wolf’s, is now muted. His stalwart sense of right and wrong, once hardy as King Solomon’s, is now gone from him. 

A bag lies beside him, filled with silver liquid. Horror seizes him — they have siphoned his testosterone! Months and months of retention have abandoned him. His work ethic is gone.

A tube TV turns on, and it’s Anderson Cooper, spouting his lies. A little spotlight rumbles on, and Scout writhes in agony — images of Andy Cohen cover the walls, leering down with his sickly smile. 

In walks one of The DI’s goons. 

“Your God has failed you,” the arbiter of falsehood said. “With this ‘Sex & Dating Guide,’ our master plan will unfold.” 

They place a gas mask over Scout’s mouth. Fumes erupt, tasting like refreshing mint and raspberries. It’s quite scrumptious — they’re working their vile tactics. 

The mind control gas seeps into Scout’s mind. His brain chemistry alters, and thoughts flood into his brain. Suddenly, he desires to demystify uncomfortable topics for young adults and promote acceptance for viewpoints other than his own. He forces down vomit. 

Feb. 12, 9 a.m. 

It’s been days. Hours upon hours of being forced to binge “Heated Rivalry” and read literature on how to regulate emotions have taken a deadly toll on his sharp mind. 

Scout isn’t himself anymore. Who is he? He is who? Sex? Dating? Bueller?

Blood trickles down his ear, hearing exotic gibberish — a Bad Bunny, rambling incoherently? This is not real music. Real music is something he can understand!

But then, a LIGHT! From the heavens! 

Red, white and blue fill his irises as a chopper bears down, and the ceiling is lifted by ethereal forces. On the side is the regal symbol of the University’s greatest organization, TPUSA!

Heavy metal guitar riffs fill the office of The DI, and Scout’s captors turn to dust. Rappelling down before Scout is the holy warrior himself — Kid Rock! 

“Hello, my child. I’ve come to bring you home,” he said in sweet dulcet tones. 

He lifts Scout back into the world of sanity and tasteful Botox. Now, Scout defies the liberal hive-mind to say:

Don’t learn to speak any other language, or to be in touch with others’ needs. What matters is only what’s in that chopper. Scout has learned, truly, that discomfort is the path to changing one’s mind. Who wants to do that?

*Campus Scout writes opinion-based, satirical stories and uses fictional sourcing.*

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