After five tireless days of cross-continental searching, 12 tons of stolen KitKats surfaced in Boneyard Creek. Nestlé reported the crispy candy missing Friday after departing from a production site in Italy.
The unlikely hero? The University’s very own Campus Scout.
While the rest of the world was looking for a vehicle — which went missing with the KitKats — Scout had another idea. He figured Nestlé’s missing chocolate treat might be free-flowing.
Scout was out for a late-night stroll on Tuesday when he caught a glimpse of red from afar. Intrigued by what the moonlight could be reflecting, he approached with caution.
“I had no idea what it could have been,” Scout said, in a reluctant interview with The Daily Illini.
Get The Daily Illini in your inbox!
He was cautious to speak to the press after his kidnapping and brainwashing by DI goons, but ultimately knew that people deserved to know the truth — he had saved the day.
At first, unsure what to make of the creek’s sudden transformation into a sea of red wrappers, Scout called upon the local geese for help.
“Honk, HONK, HonK, honK,” one goose said. “HONK.”
Scout initially took this as a sign to search the Catskill Mountains, but he quickly adjusted for the goose’s Canadian dialect.
With the help of his avian friends, Scout stayed up until dawn hauling 413,791 missing KitKats from Boneyard Creek.
Nestlé originally said that 413,793 KitKats went missing in the heist. Scout insisted they must have miscounted.
“I don’t think a couple of KitKats are the end of the world here, not when I’ve practically saved it,” Scout said, wiping a smear of chocolate off his mouth with the back of his hand.
After leaving the University last May, former Chancellor Robert Jones left his career in academia for a life in chocolate sales. As the new spokesperson for Nestlé, Jones attested to Scout’s valor after what would have been a devastating loss for company morale.
“We couldn’t have done it without Scout,” Jones said. “He really gave me a ‘break’ after I prepared copious amounts of damage control.”
Boneyard Creek has since been properly restored to its nearly four miles of glory. Scout said that he does not intend to speak about the incident anymore.
The same can’t be said for his geese companions, though.
“Honk, honk, HONK, hOnK,” the geese said. “HONK.”
**This story is entirely fictitious, and images have been digitally altered.**
